BOUNDARIES

BOUNDARIES

These are just a few examples of unhealthy thoughts or beliefs which allow boundaries to be ignored or violated. Following each unhealthy belief is a more healthy, rational, realistic, reality-based affirmation for healthy boundary building.

Unhealthy Boundary: I can never say “no” to others.

Healthy Boundary: I have a right to say “no” to others if it is an invasion of my space or a violation of my rights.

Unhealthy Boundary: It is my duty to hold them together.

Healthy Boundary: I have a right to take care of myself. If they want to stay together as a family or group, it is up to each individual to make such a decision. They all have equal responsibility to create the interdependency needed to keep us a united group.

Unhealthy Boundary: I can never trust anyone again.

Healthy Boundary: I have a right to take the risk to grow in my relationships with others. If I find my space or rights are being violated or ignored, I can assertively protect myself to ensure I am not hurt.

Unhealthy Boundary: I would feel guilty if I did something on my own and left my family or group out of it.

Healthy Boundary: I have the right and need to do things which are uniquely mine so that I do not become so overly enmeshed with others that I lose my identity.

Unhealthy Boundary: I should do everything I can to spend as much time together with you or else we won’t be a healthy family or group.

Healthy Boundary: I have a right and a need to explore my own interests, hobbies, and outlets so that I can bring back to this family or group my unique personality to enrich our lives rather than be lost in a closed and over enmeshed system.

Unhealthy Boundary: It doesn’t matter what they are doing to me. As long as I keep quiet and don’t complain, they will eventually leave me alone.

Healthy Boundary: I will never again allow my space and rights to be violated. I will stand up for myself and assert my rights to be respected and not hurt or violated. If they choose to ignore me, then I have the right to leave them or ask them to get out of my life.

Unhealthy Boundary: As long as I am not seen or heard, I won’t be violated or hurt.

Healthy Boundary: I have a right to be visible and to be seen and heard. I will stand up for myself so that others can learn to respect my rights, my needs, and not violate my space.

Unhealthy Boundary: I’d rather not pay attention to what is happening to me in this relationship which is overly intrusive, smothering and violating my privacy. In this way I don’t have to feel the pain and hurt that comes from such a violation.

Healthy Boundary: I choose no longer to disassociate from my feelings when I am being treated in a negatively painful way so that I can be aware of what is happening to me and assertively protect myself from further violation or hurt.

Unhealthy Boundary: I’ve been hurt badly in the past and I will never let anyone in close enough to hurt me again. Healthy Boundary: I do not need to be cold and distant or aloof and shy as protective tools to avoid being hurt. I choose to open myself up to others trusting that I will be assertive to protect my rights and privacy from being violated.

Unhealthy Boundary: I can never tell where to draw the line with others.

Healthy Boundary: There is a line I have drawn over which I do not allow others to cross. This line ensures me my uniqueness, autonomy, and privacy. I am able to be me the way I really am rather than the way people want me to be by drawing this line. By this line I let others know: this is who I am and where I begin and you end; this is who you are and where you begin and I end; we will never cross over this line so that we can maintain a healthy relationship with one another.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

by Elyce Benham

A boundary can be defined as (1) the limits that mark off the self from the object (or other person). (2) Boundary has also been used to refer to the invisible line that separates the participants in a relationship and allows each to maintain a separate identity and to fulfill the obligations and responsibilities that are implicitly or explicitly understood as being part of his/her role.

Boundary violations refer to stepping over that invisible line, such as the one that separates the professional from the client or the physician from the patient, using the power imbalance between therapist and patient to exploit the patient.

A similar boundary violation for a relationship would be one partner quitting their job or refusing to work, then running up bills so that the other person has to try to pay them. Another example would be a partner who is a therapist “gaslighting” the other person….using their knowledge to convince them that they’re the one with the problems.

Most boundary violations follow a similar pattern over time, beginning with subtle manifestations that may seem to be no more than exaggerated and flattering courtesy, followed by informality and demonstrations of friendliness, progressing to too much self-disclosure, and more intimate behaviors. For example, if you don’t feel close to someone and they reveal very personal information to you, you may feel “imposed upon” or “stressed”. Your personal boundaries may have been violated by this person’s disclosures — which presume a relationship that does not exist in your shared reality. (In this situation, it’s often a good idea to stop and say to yourself “Why is this person telling me this?”)

The context of a relationship and the type of relationship determines appropriate closeness and distance.. Appropriate boundaries are necessary for individuals and for any relationship to prosper.

The following are some things to consider about whether or not you have appropriate boundaries. Please remember that these are very general statements and that appropriate boundaries vary within the context of a relationship.

Example: Even if you are married, there may be times when a particular behavior is usually appropriate, but may not be under certain circumstances, i.e., physical intimacy (sex) may be appropriate at whatever rate the partners decide, but not appropriate if one partner is coerced or if one partner is ill. (Note: I’ve used the word “partner” in the following, but please feel free to substitute whatever term applies to your situation.)

1. 1. In a healthy relationship, each person is whole and intact. Each person can still live if something happened to the other, or if the relationship ended. Death or dissolution of a relationship is painful, but it doesn’t mean that you will cease to exist. If your partner makes statements or engages in behaviors that suggest that if you are not around that they will kill themselves, it may be an indicator that they do not have a solid sense of self. What this means for you is that exaggerated and unhealthy demands may be placed upon you by your partner. They may begin to “need” you to be with them for excessive amounts of time, or they may use threats to harm themselves as a way to control you.

If your partner can not function appropriately when you are not present, or becomes noticeably depressed, this may another indicator that they do not have a solid sense of self. What this may mean for you is that your partner may insist that you not only spend most, or even all, of your time with them, but they may also make you responsible for their moods. If your partner engages in sexual activity outside of your relationship, this is another signal that this person may not have a solid sense of self and is looking to others to provide that for him/her. What this may mean for you is that your partner may continue to have intimate and/or sexual relationships with others whether you’re involved with them in that fashion or not. In most cases, this behavior violates the boundaries of a couple’s relationship.

a) Do you feel like most of your time is demanded by your partnership?

b) Do you feel free to plan you day according to your own priorities?

For example, if you answered yes to “a”, you may need to work on your personal boundaries.

1. 1. Each person needs to have his/her own thoughts and feelings, and each to take responsibility for his/her actions. Not having your own thoughts, feelings or responsibilities may mean that you’re in an enmeshed relationship. Enmeshment may feel like “closeness” or “intimacy”, but it isn’t….it means that someone’s individuality is being squashed. The enmeshed individual is not “known” or “heard” or really entitled to be a contributor to a healthy relationship.

If your partner “blames” you for their behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings, then they are not processing in an adult and mature manner. This constitutes a boundary violation because your partner is not accepting, responsibility for his/her behaviors, but rather is attempting or succeeding in getting you to take that responsibility for them. When someone abdicates responsibility for their own behaviors, they give their own personal “power” to someone else. Now that object, or other person, is “controlling” them. This gives the partner the message that they can’t take care of themselves, and can feed raging or “acting out” behaviors that can include verbal and/or physical violence.

Does your partner hold you responsible for his/her thoughts, emotions, actions?

If the answer is “yes”, your personal boundaries are being violated. You are being asked to be responsible for someone else perhaps at the expense of your own well-being. If your partner wants, insists or demands that you terminate other important relationships in your life (friends, family, etc.) then they are isolating you. This is abusive.

In order to “brainwash” or to have power and control over another person, the first step is to isolate the victim. By doing this, the person has managed to cut off any feedback that the potential victim has from others. It reduces the possibility of good “reality testing” about what is happening. It also will make the potential victim more dependent upon the perpetrator. That will facilitate the movement of your personal power and control over to your partner. This shift in power indicates that a major boundary breach has been made.

Does your partnership isolate you from other relationships or sources of support?

If the answer is yes, you may need to rebuild a healthy support network.

If your partner wants, insists or demands that you take care of all or most of their needs, this may be an indicator of dependency at an unhealthy level.

Dependency is not the same as “counting on each other” or “working together”. It is that shift of personal power from the self to another. Instead of being able to meet one’s own needs appropriately, the partner now has you taking care of them and being responsible for everything that happens. Not just the “good” stuff, but the “not so good stuff”, too.

It is difficult enough to meet one’s own needs, let alone somehow ending up being responsible for your needs and someone else’s. We expect to meet the needs of a baby or small child, but when the power if shifted in this manner with an adult, it actually sets up a dynamic in which you are the “parent” and the partner is now, effectively, the “child”. As I mentioned above, this is not a healthy dynamic. It destroys true intimacy, neither person is acting in an “adult” way, and it erodes the self-confidence of both parties.

This dynamic also sets up all kinds of anger….anger because you’re trying to do more than your share, and anger in the partner, who, again, is having the message “You can’t take care of yourself.” reinforced. This feeds rage and increases the likelihood of acting out and violent behaviors.

If your partner does not assist in daily activities, chores, childcare and other duties, this may be an indicator that they are not sharing responsibilities in an adult manner. Each person in the relationship needs to be working toward mutual goals as partners. If one person is doing more than their share of the work, self-esteem, self-image as well as the relationship is being eroded.

If your partner’s values, beliefs, thoughts and/or feelings appear to change depending upon whom s/he is around, this may indicate an unstable sense of self.

This can mean that your partner may “look” and “act” like they have inspected their values, thoughts, feelings, etc., when they haven’t. You may find that the person you thought you were involved with changes constantly. You never know what your partner might “be” or “do”. There is no constancy….you’re left wondering just who this person is and what they do believe in. Without this constancy, there can be no working toward mutually accepted goals, because those goals, values, etc. change depending upon who your partner is around.

People with an unstable sense of self look to others to provide that “self” for them. “Tell me who I am.” “Tell me what I should wear…how I should act…what I should feel.” This, again, shifts the responsibility over to other people. That unbalanced dynamic is again in play which destroys people operating as adults.

Is your partnership constantly unbalanced by your partners inconsistency?

How does that affect:

Your daily life? Functioning? Self-image?

1. 1. The partners in a relationship need to remain as individuals with their own interests. In a healthy partnership or relationship, the individuals are interdependent rather than dependent upon each other. This may change if a partner is ill or disabled physically or mentally. But the focus still is to make sure that even if disabled, that partner does as much as s/he is capable of doing for him/herself.

Without your own interests and the ability to meet as many of your own needs as possible, then who you “are” again becomes “externalized”….there is no real “you” but only what others provide. If your partner is not able or willing to define themselves, they are shifting their responsibility onto others or onto you. This, again, places the burdens onto one person.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to provide all things to another person?

What do you think this will do to your self-esteem….your energy level?

Do you think that this is a balanced relationship?

What would a balanced relationship look like to you? Be as specific as possible.

If you have the feeling that your partner might “starve to death” if you moved his/her plate 12 inches or if they are not capable or willing to take care of their own basic needs, this may indicate an unhealthy dependency.

If your partner needs constant reminders to bathe, change into clean clothes, or to participate in activities of daily living (ADLs), this may indicate that they are not processing appropriately. This coupled with disorganized thinking and behaviors may indicate a serious form of mental “misprocessing”. Such an individual needs prompt and appropriate treatment from a mental health professional such as a psychiatrist.

Without appropriate treatment, the processing of your partner is not going to improve and can actually decline to a degree that s/he needs to be hospitalized. They will not be able to learn or sustain appropriate or healthy boundaries. They will have little, if any autonomy (other than acting out or acting in), and that “adult” relationship that you need in order to be a healthy and growth oriented individual or couple will simple cease to exist.

1. 1. Our internal image of ourselves and our partner needs to fit with reality. If your partner has a “false” or “fantasy” image of you that isn’t within reasonable limits, you may be abandoned or punished in some way when you feel, think or act in a way that doesn’t validate the other’s fantasy image.

If your partner refuses to touch you or talk to you, they have withdrawn. This may be because their internal image of you doesn’t match who you really are at a given moment. Not talking to your partner may also be a form of “punishment” for a particular behavior. A healthy adult needs to be capable of discussing behaviors that they find objectionable. Not talking is an immature way to deal with issues. Emotional withdrawal is not a form of appropriate distance or boundaries.

1. 1. Respect of each person’s values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions are imperative. That doesn’t mean that both individuals must have exactly the same values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions, but that they are compatible. Each person has a right to his/her own emotions, etc. and to have those validated.

If your partner tears you down, makes fun of your values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions, or vacillates between “over idealizing” and “devaluing” you, it is a sign that they do not respect you and may not be able to hold a constant image of you composed of both negative and positive aspects.

The consequences of such a partnership for you are terrible. You never know if you’re “all good” or “all bad”….you’re either one or the other. You cease to exist as a “total” and “complex” individual comprised of positive and not so positive aspects, and become “all white” or “all black”. Being overvalued may feel good for a while….there’s nothing that you can do that’s wrong…you’re the most wonderful person in the world. But just as easily as you were placed on that pedestal, you’ll be torn down, only to become so much refuse. You will be belittled, mocked, blamed, and told that no matter what you do, you’re just “no good” and it will be all your fault. This is the price of being placed on a pedestal….what goes up, will come down…hard….and you’re self-worth, self-esteem and self-image will be smashed eventually.

If your partner engages in illegal or unethical practices, then this breach of acceptable behaviors violates your boundaries.

If your partner engages in psychological, emotional and or physical violence, it indicates they are unable to control their emotions. Any kind of violence is unacceptable. It is imperative that you leave the situation and get to a safe place immediately. Check with your local law enforcement agency for shelters, orders of protection or whatever you need to keep yourself safe.

NOTE: The cycle of violence does not just “go away”. The violence will continue (although your partner may promise it will never happen again) unless s/he gets consistent and appropriate treatment immediately.

If your partner demands, forces or coerces you to have sex when you don’t want to, this is another form of violence and breach of basic boundaries.

1. 1. Emotional stability is an indicator of a healthy and mature adult. We all have days when we’re upset or having a difficult time. But if your partners mood shift rapidly or if they are unable to control their emotions, this may be an indicator of a serious mental disorder.

If your partner rages, swings from being in a positive mood to being depressed and/or very energized, s/he needs an evaluation for appropriate medications.

1. Each person needs to pay attention to their own needs. If you are doing so much for other people in your life that you are no longer attending to your own needs on a daily basis, then you may be enmeshed. Conversely, if your partner is not paying attention to their own needs and/or if they expect or demand that you take care of their needs, then the personal and relationship boundaries are inappropriate.

BOUNDARIES

by Patience Mason

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries this month because they have always been a difficult issue for Bob and me. I suspect it is for all trauma survivors and their families. Bob seemed to me to have walls that shut me out, and I didn’t seem to have any boundaries in either direction. When we disagreed about something, he thought I was saying that he was crazy, and I always thought he was being deliberately bad (because I was always right). Our boundary problems led to a lot of pain.

For trauma survivors developing healthy boundaries is important. Often in the most literal physical sense, trauma is a boundary violation: the bullet entered your body, the fist hit your face. Recovering the sense of your rights over your body, that it is safe to be in your body in this world, can be a monumental task.

Family members can also have difficulty with boundaries, as can therapists. This shows up as efforts to fix people because we need other people to be fine to prove our worth. I used to let Bob’s actions and feelings control how I felt about myself. (If Bob was depressed it meant I was a bad wife, not that he’d been through a lot in Vietnam). I invaded his boundaries by trying to control his actions and feelings to “fix” him. (Don’t be sad.) Boundary violations were my way of life. Therapists and people in 12 Step programs who tell you you don’t need whatever (usually whatever they are not doing, therapy or program) are having a boundary problem. Only you can know what helps you, and you can only find out by experience. Experience is how one develops boundaries and a sense of self. Many of us have never seen a healthy example of boundaries.

Unhealthy Boundaries:

Too Weak: when you become enmeshed in someone else’s life and wind up feeling what they feel, doing what they do, and not being you, you have weak boundaries. Under traumatic conditions, however, that can be a survival skill. Many combat vets could read each other like a book. Hyperalertness to each other kept them alive. Traumatic bonding between abuser and abused is also a survival skill. Reading the emotions of the abuser and becoming what they want you to be can save your life. It also carries a great price. Being able to sense others’ moods is helpful in relationships, but always being what someone else wants you to be (the woman who doesn’t mind if he gets drunk/ the guy who will do anything for his wife) is a form of dishonesty which prevents real intimacy. No one can be intimate with someone who doesn’t know what s/he feels, wants, likes or dislikes, or who can’t be honest about it, even though such dishonesty developed as a survivor skill.

The weak boundary experienced by survivors who are endlessly triggered because they are so open to sensing danger is a very painful state of affairs. What’s outside you controls your inside. Avoiding triggers is helpful, but developing boundaries so things don’t set you off is part of recovery. Furthermore, another safety issue is that hyperalertness can lead you to reading danger into a situation where it doesn’t exist, causing unnecessary defensiveness or even violence.

Too strong: Walls don’t make you safe either. When you hear about the sexual abuse survivor who gets raped by some guy she met in a bar, realize that her wall of numbness prevented her from reading the danger signs. She’s not dumb, she’s numb. If his buddies died, a veteran may try never to care for anyone again, putting up walls which prevent him from getting the support he needs to heal.

Although aggression (yelling, bossing, rejecting) or isolation (putting up a wall, or simply not being around others) are the usual forms of too-strong boundary, during prolonged inescapable abuse dissociation can be a way of creating a boundary in order to survive. Denial, too, can serve as a boundary (didn’t happen/didn’t affect me). So can compulsive behaviors like alcoholism or relationship addiction. Overeating puts up a wall of fat to keep others out. (At the other extreme, the person who always wears skintight clothes may be sending an unconscious message, “I have no boundaries.”) Reality keeps breaking through this kind of boundary, sometimes traumatically.

Putting up a wall of numbness or anger can lead you to be abusive because if it “didn’t bother me,” you may be unable to perceive how it could bother someone else. You can’t tell that you are hurting them (or that your numbness is evidence that it did bother you).

Overly strong boundaries require a lot of effort to maintain. Nothing affects you but nothing can get through to help you either. Lots of survivors alternate between weak and too strong boundaries, getting close and then cutting people off, or trusting no one and then quickly becoming totally enmeshed.

Healthy boundaries: Ideally human beings have healthy boundaries that are like the semi-permeable membrane that surrounds a cell. Boundaries allow you to let out bad feelings so you don’t drown in your own waste products. They close to protect you from harm, but they open to let good things through. They allow you to give and receive support, become really close at times (like during lovemaking or intimate conversations or quiet cuddling) yet operate independently at other times. Healthy interdependence is the result.

For me it has been important to recognize that small actions taken one day at a time will help me recover, while great resolutions to change completely and forever (I’ll never do that again!) have been both futile and led me to self hatred (What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I change?) So here is a bunch of suggested small actions to help strengthen your sense of self, and your respect for and knowledge of yourself, and your ability to accept others because you have boundaries. Take what you like and leave the rest. This works if you are a survivor, family member, or therapist.

Pause Button: Visualize a pause button when something upsets you and take a moment to pick out an action that might help you rather than reacting in the same old way. Here are a few actions you can take:

Locating yourself in the here and now: When you are struggling with intrusive PTSD symptoms, it can be very valuable to write out on a 3×5 card an appropriate statement for you to read and say over and over:

“I am________. I’m ____ years old. I am in ________ and no one here wants to hurt me.” Add to this whatever affirmations are helpful. I need to feel this pain so I can let it go. It’s okay if I make mistakes. Having it written out and in your pocket can be a lifesaver. I works best if you pull it out and read and say it till you get relief.

Using the word “I:” People often say “You make me feel…” or “That made me feel…” One of the smallest most empowering changes you can make in your thinking is to use the word “I” when you talk about yourself. Replace “you made” or “that made”, which is giving away your power, with the words, “I feel…” Even if you feel other people do make you feel good or bad, just phrase it differently. Say “I feel _____when you_______.” Eventually this new way of talking will strengthen your boundaries. Your perspective on your feelings will shift. You may even feel you have more power over what you feel.

Using the word “I” when talking about yourself can also change your perspective. Many of us habitually use generalities, say “You want to be nice,” when what we mean is “I want to be nice.” or “You don’t want/need that,” when what we mean is “I don’t want you to want/need that.” Using “I” really made me think! Today I prefer to say what I mean. It helps me to know myself better and see if I’m in your business.

Separating my feelings from yours: When someone else’s mood controls yours, it means your boundaries need strengthening. Automatically reacting is a lot of work. Identifying it is the beginning of healing. How? Ask yourself is this my feeling or his/hers? If it is not your feeling say to yourself, “I am not whatever. S/he is whatever, (depressed, angry, numb). Or say “I’m me, and I don’t have to feel what s/he feels or think what s/he thinks.” A simple but effective technique is to keep repeating it to yourself. This seems awkward and stupid at first but it really helps over the long haul. These phrases block the emotion and remind you that you are separate from others. Visualize a boundary if it helps, a fence between your garden and his or hers. When you can separate what you feel from what others feel, you will find yourself more able to tolerate other peoples’ bad feelings, even sympathize, because they will not longer control how you feel. Letting other people feel what they feel (acceptance) is a big part of intimacy. Learning to have a good day when those around you are having a bad one lifts the burden off them of ruining your day.

Another thing that helps me is to visualize a glass globe separating me from another’s emotions. When someone picks on me, sneers at me, says something painful, I see the words hit the glass, but they bounce back because, it’s their problem, opinion, attitude. I might want to examine it, but I don’t have to take it in as the truth about me, nor even react to it, because I have healthy boundaries. Criticism becomes not at all devastating, just information I may or may not find interesting or useful.

Another technique is active listening which I discuss in Recovering From The War. By listening to others and reflecting back what they say, you practice having a boundary with them and you sharpen your perception of the difference between you and them. It’s a self correcting process, too. When you listen and hear it wrong, they tell you! You can see how you hear things as opposed to what they actually said. It’s really interesting. Learning to actively listen takes a lot of practice. We’re usually composing an answer before the other person it through speaking, (which is not listening). Survivors have trouble listening, too, because stuff seems so petty or because they have trouble concentrating, a symptom of PTSD. Active listening helps with concentration by focusing you on what the other person is saying, because you are going to paraphrase it : “I’m so angry! My boss moved my desk to where I can’t see out the window.” Old pattern: “So what!” (minimizing) or “So quit!” (solution) both of which lead to an argument. Active listening: “He really pissed you off!” As you identify the other person’s feeling (confirming the boundary) they feel heard and supported and you get practice in healthy boundaries. It’s the same when a trauma survivor expresses pain. Instead of saying, “Get over it,” learn to paraphrase. Recently a WWII vet was telling me some of his experiences and my paraphrase was, “you really went through hell,” which was exactly what he was trying to tell me.

Trauma survivors need to be able to have and tolerate painful feelings because they are normal when you’ve been traumatized. They are also evidence of what you’ve been through. Your family, friends and therapists need to respect that and learn to tolerate them, too. As they develop healthier boundaries, your bad days won’t ruin their days.

Tolerating painful feelings instead of running from them eventually leads to healing (see the HEALS acronym in V2, N2). By tolerating a feeling, I mean actually feeling it for a short period. HEALS means flashing the letters “Healing” in your mind, which is a good pause button. Explain to yourself what you are feeling and feel it for about 30 seconds. Apply self compassion, Love yourself, and then Solve the problem. Feel the feeling without necessarily believing rhat the feeling reflects reality. I may feel hurt, but that doesn’t mean someone meant to hurt me. I may feel guilty, but that doesn’t mean I am: it may just be something I’m used to feeling. Most of us were brought up on large doses of guilt.

Identifying what you feel is another way of working on your boundaries. Keeping a list of feelings written down on paper is a good way to start identifying your feelings. Pull it out and look at it if you are having trouble identifying what you feel. You can also start a journal entry describing your immediate reaction (I’m feeling tense… I just yelled at someone…) and look at when you’ve felt that way before (the strength of many feelings comes from a different time zone, often the time of your trauma or childhood) or what that action has been caused by in the past (usually when I’m yelling it’s because I’m afraid I won’t get some need met. What need am I afraid about now?). This kind of examination can become a very useful habit.

Many trauma survivors are angry and defensive. These feelings are a natural result of having one’s boundaries violated. Anger may have saved your life. People who are defensive have healthy fear behind it. However when the traumatic situation is long gone, anger and defensiveness can linger and hurt relationships, leaving you without community or love. Behind anger and defensiveness, there are painful feelings needing to be felt. Stifle them long enough and they blow a hole in your wall, shrapnel hits those you care for, and you feel so bad you retreat behind the wall determined to make it thicker.

It’s better to work on making it healthier rather than thicker.

We all hate to be told we’re angry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “I AM NOT ANGRY,” while smoke was probably coming out of my ears. Ditto defensiveness. “Yes, but—” is my clue there. You may have others like black and white thinking (You’re either for me or against me).

It can help to identify the physical part in your body where you feel: for instance some angry people grind their teeth or clench their jaw or sigh a lot, so if you have trouble knowing when you are getting angry check you body for physical signs or ask your family and friends how they know when you are mad. You may feel fear as a churning stomach. I feel it as total numbness, so whenever I can’t feel anything, I know I’m scared. Then I write about the fear till I can feel it, and it passes.

Developing a healthy boundary can also help you sort out feelings. You feel pain because of the trauma you were involved in (combat, battered wife, house fire.) That is your right. You don’t have to be over it no matter what someone says. It is okay to be in pain. You can feel the pain at your own rate and it will pass. If you feel shame at having been hurt, you can feel it without believing it. You can visualize yourself handing that shame back to your abuser. You may have to do that many times in your head before it becomes part of your boundary, but you didn’t cause your abuse, you didn’t want it, and you didn’t deserve it, whatever anyone says.

Learning who you are: For people who don’t think they have the right to be, much less be themselves, deepening your sense of self is an important part of recovery. Start writing a list with the heading: I like….

Start one with Things I might like… Trying new things to see if you like them is one way to get to know yourself. This can be as simple as changing the radio station you usually listen to, driving a new route to work, trying a new food. You can also keep a list of Things I don’t like. Trying something and not liking it is good. It means you are not afraid to make mistakes and be human. These lists may change with time. Good. It means you are growing.

Other ways of finding out more about who you are include working the 12 Steps especially the written ones (4 and 10), getting into therapy, keeping a journal, or working some sort of recovery book. My experience has been that I do better when I have support. If you start to work a recovery book and become overwhelmed, get help. We weren’t meant to handle either trauma or the effects of living with someone who has PTSD alone.

Another way to start working on boundaries is to figure out who owns the problem? If Bob is depressed because of his experiences in Vietnam, he owns the problem. If I cannot tolerate his depression and insist on trying to fix him, I have made it my problem. I’m violating his boundaries and making work for myself. I need to detach and let him have his problem. The work I need to do is on becoming able to tolerate his feelings, not either adopt them (getting as depressed as he is or more) nor try to change them. There are 22 readings on detachment in the Alanon One Day at a Time, (available from Al-Anon Family Groups, 1600 Corporate Landing Parkway, Virginia Beach, VA, 23462). When I was first learning to detach, I read all 22 every day for weeks. Loving detachment isn’t ignoring someone. It is listening without adopting or fixing the problem. Practice detachment and you practice boundaries.

Many people, especially men, are solution oriented (giving solutions violates boundaries, by the way, unless the person has said “What should I do?”). People who have a problem want you to listen to it and say “that must be hard for you,” not “Do this. Do that.” Each time a person with a boundary problem listens to someone else’s problem without trying to ignore or fix it, he or she is strengthening his or her sense of self and increasing his or her tolerance for other people’s emotions instead of avoiding them, i.e. growing boundaries!

Saying no: Another step in developing boundaries is learning to say no to others and learning to accept no. For trauma survivors, being able to say no to activities that might trigger them is important. As part of learning what you like, saying no to things you don’t like is important even if you’ve always said yes before. Screaming no is a sign that you don’t yet feel you have the right to say it. As time passes and your boundaries strengthen, you’ll be able to say it politely because you will know inside that you do have the right to say no. Other people do to. Today I can accept no for an answer because it is no longer proof of my worthlessness but simply that person setting his or her limits.

Saying yes: Once you can say no, you can also begin to say yes for healthy reasons. You may say yes to things you’d like to do but have been afraid to try. You may say yes to people who ask you to do things because you would like to do them and can do them for free and for fun (not because you should or for a payback). You may even say yes to some things you don’t necessarily want to do but are willing to do because they fit your values and help you be the kind of person you want to be (not they want you to be—not people pleasing).

Asking for what you want: once you have more of an idea of who you are, what you feel, what you like, you can ask for what you want. This stops a lot of people because they feel that if they don’t get what they want it was all for nothing. That’s where the phrase “do the footwork and turn the results over” helps me. Asking early and asking often, so that saying no is okay, also helped me. I used to only ask when I was desperate so it wasn’t a request. It was a demand.

Today I do not have to have other people do what I want. I ask for what I want, but I don’t have to get it, because someone else’s behavior is not a reflection of my worth. The fact that they don’t do what I want probably has nothing to do with me. It has to do with their issues, because they are separate from me, and I am not central to their lives like I am to mine. (I can trust that they are human and are going to put their interests before mine.)

By the way, when I haven’t gotten people to do what I wanted, things have often turned out better than anything I could have imagined.

Perfectionism: Once I learned I stop at my skin, I learned to accept myself and to believe that I was okay even if I wasn’t perfect. I’m just me. You are you. When I could accept me, I could accept you and begin to stop trying to violate your boundaries to make you perfect. Perfectionism and healthy boundaries are not compatible. Perfectionism is another big issue for trauma survivors who may feel if they had just been good enough or done it right, the trauma wouldn’t have happened. So they try to be perfect or to raise perfect kids. Another variation is the trauma survivor who says it didn’t affect him or her but is heavily invested in proving it by being perfect and having a perfect family.

When I’m violating you to make you perfect I do not have healthy boundaries. If I’m letting you violate me to make me perfect, I don’t have them either. With boundaries, I can set limits, say no, have and express my own opinions, keep out of other people’s business, especially business between two other members of my family (no triangulating), learn who I am, and let other people be and grow.

Physical boundaries: No one has the right to touch you or your stuff without permission. “Please don’t touch me,” is a perfectly polite statement and no explanation is required. “Why not?” on the other hand is rude and intrusive.

Physical boundaries also include having your own space. After being very close one way to return to normal boundaries without quarreling is to simply go do something in a different part of the house from your partner.

You don’t have the right to touch others or their things without permission unless you are a parent pulling your kid out of harm’s way. Please don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t want a hug. You don’t know what they’ve been through. Please don’t make your kids hug you or anyone else. You set them up for abuse that way. Please don’t hit them either. It makes them hyperactive and confuses love and violence in their minds. Try to see what the child needs that s/he isn’t getting and meet that need directly. It is usually attention. If you fail and spank, don’t give up. You can always say you made a mistake because you are human and you are sorry and start over again the next minute. This sets a good example that no one is perfect.

Spiritual boundaries: One of the worst forms of abuse is spiritual abuse. True spirituality is something you find for yourself not something that is thrust down your throat along with a bunch of rules. No one has the right to tell you what to believe. Different people need different answers. I think that’s why there are so many different spiritual and religious paths. Not because one is right and the others wrong, but because they all have something that someone needs. I have no argument with someone who says “X is the answer that works for me.” Someone who says “X is the answer for everyone,” doesn’t have good boundaries. They usually want your money too.

For years, I practiced my boundaries by writing out the Serenity Prayer every morning: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (I wrote in people, places, and things that were bothering me), the courage to change the things I can (I wrote in “my own actions, reactions, perceptions, what I’ll put up with”), and the wisdom to know the difference.

The wisdom (and the willingness) to know the difference comes with practice. The courage to change the things I can showed me what was inside my boundary; accepting the things I can’t showed me what was outside my boundary. Seeking a higher power also helps with boundaries. If I’m playing God of course I have no boundaries, but if I’m not God then I am finite and do have boundaries. Accepting help from others and learning to take what I like and leave the rest strengthened my boundaries, too. When I thought we all had to think and be alike, I didn’t have boundaries. Today I do.

Living with healthy boundaries is far easier than living without them. I am no longer the prey of emotions that fluctuate with every outside influence. Sometimes I get more reactive, but I know I don’t have to continue to react. I call it recycling. I choose to use the tools I’ve learned to change my reactions by taking new actions. I don’t give up when my old patterns come back. I look inside to see what’s going on with me. If you find yourself saying “I should be over this,” let go of that perfectionism and black and white thinking, get out your feelings list and your journal, figure out whose problem it is, practice your boundaries. It’s another opportunity to grow.

From Issue 8 of the Post-Traumatic Gazette ©1996 by Patience H. C. Mason. All rights reserved, except that permission is hereby granted to freely reproduce and distribute this document, provided the text is reproduced unaltered and entire (including this notice) and is distributed free of charge.

WAYS YOU CAN DENY YOUR TRUE SELF AND WEAKEN YOUR EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

1. Pretending to agree when you disagree.

2. Concealing your true feelings.

3. Going along with an activity that you really don’t want to do and never stating your preference.

4. Declining to join an activity you really want to do.

5. Pushing yourself beyond your limits.

6. Working too hard or too long.

7. Doing too much for others.

8. Not resting when tired.

9. Ignoring your needs.

10. Not eating regular and healthy meals.

11. Insufficient sleep.

12. Too little or too much time alone.

13. Too much or too little exercise.

14. Insufficient contact with people who truly care about you.

15. Insufficient to too many leisure activities.

16. Using chemicals to avoid yourself: these include drugs and/or alcohol.

17. Using compulsions to avoid yourself: these include eating, starving, exercise, work, shopping, spending, TV, sex, games, sports, etc. that are done compulsively or to excess.

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Joy Miller’s 10 ‘Demandments’ – 10 rules to live by to insure unhappiness in a relationship:

1. Thou shall make me happy.

2. Thou shall no have any interests other than me.

3. Thou shall know what I want and what I feel without me having to tell you.

4. Thou shall return each one of my sacrifices with an equal or greater sacrifice.

5. Thou shall shield me from anxiety, worry, hurt or any pain.

6. Thou shall give me my sense of self-worth and esteem.

7. Thou shall be grateful for everything I do.

8. Thou shall not be critical of me, show anger toward me or otherwise disapprove of anything I do.

9. Thou shall be so caring and loving that I need never take risks or be vulnerable in any way.

10. Thou shall love me with a whole heart, a whole soul and a whole mind, even if I do not love myself.

Remember, too, that developing and maintaining healthy physical and emotional boundaries takes work. Boundaries are like muscles…they need to be exercised appropriately. Development of those boundaries, if you weren’t fortunate enough to have learned good ones in your family of origin or if yours were eroded, is a process. It takes time and work to find those “muscles” and learn how to use them in ways that promote your personal growth, development and safety.

I’d like to thank Anne Katherine, author of “Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin” and Joy Miller, author of “Addictive Relationships: Reclaiming Your Boundaries” for their contributions to this body of work.

S E T

Support, Empathy and Truth

Support – Invokes a personal statement of concern. The emphasis is on YOUR feelings for the BP and is conveying a personal pledge to try to be of assistance. When responding show them your support for them. Tell them you are supporting them. “I am truly worried about how you are feeling”.

Empathy – is where you acknowledge their feelings (not yours). It is important not to confuse empathy – “How awful you must be feeling…” with sympathy – “I feel so sorry for you”. BP’s are not looking for sympathy, they need people to understand what they are feeling.

Truth – emphasizes that the BP is ultimately responsible for their life. No one else can be responsible for them or their actions. Truth statements show recognition that a problem exists and address the issue of what can be done. But they should be stated in a way that avoids blaming/punishing. State it like it is. DO NOT say things to make it sound nice just to agree with them if you don’t. State things as you see it and give them some basis to make a decision on – “Here’s what happened……these are the consequences of your actions………..This is what I can do……..What are you going to do?”

Include Set principles in your communications and you will be amazed with the results. However, it is just important to ensure that the BP heard all three elements. For example, if the Support stage is bypassed or not heard then the BP will think that you don’t care or that you do not want to be involved with them. Or if the empathy stage is bypassed or not heard then the BP will think that you just don’t understand what the BP is going through. If Support or Empathy is bypassed or not heard then further communications are just not heard by them.

If the Truth stage is bypassed or not heard then a more dangerous situation emerges. This lack of Truth confirms to the BP that others can be responsible for them and that their perception of the situation is shared and supported.

SET – Support, Empathy, Trust

Extracts from “I Hate you – Don’t Leave Me” by Jerold J. Kreisman & Hal Straus.

Resources

1. I hate you, Don't leave me book - https://www.amazon.com/Hate-You-Dont-Leave-Me/dp/0380713055
2. This article on Healthline highlights that individuals with BPD experience rapid and intense emotional changes, leading to tumultuous and unstable relationships. People with BPD may alternate between affectionate and distant behaviors, often due to their heightened sensitivity to abandonment and rejection. Despite these challenges, with proper treatment, such as therapy and medication, and a strong support network, individuals with BPD can maintain healthy and successful relationships. Emotional support, understanding, and professional help are crucial in managing the symptoms and improving relational dynamics.
3. The article "How Do People with BPD Act in Relationships?" explores the cyclic nature of relationships involving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It describes a pattern where individuals with BPD may initially idealize their partner, viewing them as perfect, but then shift to devaluation, perceiving their partner as inadequate or untrustworthy. This cycle often involves stages of intense emotional highs and lows, marked by anxiety, fear of abandonment, testing behaviors, and distancing. While these patterns can create challenges and confusion in relationships, the article emphasizes that with professional support, understanding, and strategies such as setting boundaries and seeking therapy, healthy and stable relationships are achievable.
4. The article "Medication for BPD: Types, Side Effects, Challenges" from Verywell Mind explores the various medications used to manage symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While there is no FDA-approved medication specifically for BPD, drugs like antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and anti-anxiety medications can help alleviate symptoms such as mood swings, depression, and anxiety. Additionally, the article highlights the potential role of natural supplements, particularly omega-3 fatty acids, which have shown promise in reducing aggression and hostility in BPD patients. A Reddit community BrainGains discusess the role of such supplements in brain performance, mood uplift and helping with some symptoms od BPD.
5. Another article at TalkSpace underscores that medications ans supplements are most effective when combined with psychotherapy and other treatments, and stresses the importance of a tailored approach to managing BPD symptoms.