BP Belief Systems

BP BELIEF SYSTEMS

What I’ve come to discover is one of the biggest things at the core of the problems with BPD is a shattered belief system. Belief systems are very powerful and shape who we are and how we behave. If a person believes with every fiber of his being he will succeed, their belief system will cause them to behave and make choices which support that. With each small success, he has the ‘proof’ of that belief and they continue on to the next proving ground, now armed with a much stronger belief system.

There is a saying (I think it came from the Bible) ‘As a man thinketh in his heart, so he becomes’.

People with BPD (and many who don’t have it) have a fractured belief system. They believe they are the worst and they aren’t deserving and they are bad and untrustworthy and that terrible things will happen to them. (Pygmalion Effect – The Self Fulfilling Prophecy). For too many with BPD this belief system may stem from actual proof from someone who was very influential to their human development. Someone was beating them or sexually abusing them or telling them repeatedly just how awful they were. They then have a belief system constructed over time which says they deserve this treatment and they are awful people. Based on those beliefs, they then behave in an awful manner and there are external reactions or consequences for that behavior and they then have more proof and the cycle continues.

One way to change a belief system is to have an experience or witness something that disproves the current system. The BPD world is very hard on belief systems for both the Non involved and the person afflicted with BPD alike. A person with BPD isn’t equipped to change a belief system when experiences in reality disprove it. His very existence depends on that belief system remaining intact. When reality does rattle their beliefs they attempt to change what happened in reality to match their belief system. They guard their belief systems because it helps to define them.

For example, if you tell a BPD sincerely, ‘I love you and I will never abandon you’ and they have a belief system which says they are unworthy of that love, then to them, what you said could not possibly be true. So many things can happen; none of which lead to them believing you actually love them. They could do or say nothing and then bring it up later, attached to something else. They could flippantly say ‘Yeh right’ and dismiss it or they could actually attack and tell you all the ‘reasons’ (which they ‘know for a fact’ isn’t true) why you don’t love them. Including trying to prove it to you (really to themselves) with things you never said, felt or thought. And since they don’t believe you and they don’t trust others, they may think you are ‘up to something’ and this declaration of love is meant to throw them off your ulterior motive (which doesn’t exist) and the accusations begin. And all because you tried to express your love. Many actions and behaviors can come out of it – all designed to protect the belief system that they are not worthy of love. And, because belief systems are all very intertwined and validated and protected internally by real or imagined things – this whole area can be very maddening.

And for us Non’s, our belief systems can be shattered by dealing with the inconsistencies manifested by BPD on a daily basis. If THEY tell us ‘I love you’ and then go on to behave in exactly the opposite manner in so many ways, over time what does that do to our belief about their love for us and eventually our belief in love in general. And with them, the opposite behavior is real – its the bullshit that is thrown at us on a daily basis, we don’t even have to make something up to shake our belief. Ours are shaken, theirs are protected.

Just as success breeds success, failure breeds failure. Unfortunately to the BPD; it doesn’t have to be ‘real’ failure to qualify. It can be imagined or expected but the results are the same. For the BPD, believing they are miserable people who have miserable lives guarantees that is exactly what they will be and what they will have. (The self-fulfilling prophecy) And they take the rest of us with them for the ride. Changing negative beliefs is difficult enough for someone without a disorder let alone someone with BPD.

I encourage you all to examine your belief systems and remind yourselves on a daily basis that no matter what you are being told and not matter in how many ways the message is being sent to you or shoved down your throat IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn’t cause this, just like they didn’t cause BPD in them. And be very protective of the good things you believe about yourselves. When the BPD in your life tries to get you to disbelieve those things, go to whatever sources you need for reaffirmation. Keep a ‘Wonderful Me’ journal of the positive beliefs you have about yourself and refer to it when they try to strip you of it. Talk to the positive people in your life who will remind you of the truth and believe in yourself. I was being told so many negative things about myself over and over again (projections of their own self-loathing) that I almost started believing it. Don’t allow their shattered belief systems to become yours. Believe in your beliefs, believe in yourself, stand firm with those beliefs in mind and do the best you can to support your loved one. Ask yourself, how can you care and be in a true relationship if you have no belief system. Believe in yourself and do the best you can. You may not get the relationship outcome you were hoping for BUT you will have a belief system, your self-esteem and respect.

Respect them for the real person they are, explain things, write it down for them to read, let them know it wasn’t you or your fault, accept when it was, and try to show them why. Give it your best shot but remain strong.

BELIEFS & COGNITIVE THERAPY

Cognitive Therapy is a very effective way of understanding how you think, and therefore feel. Cognitive Therapy helps us to explore our underlying belief patterns that result in negative, irrational and unhealthy thoughts. It then allows us to explore our thoughts and replace them with more useful ones in order to manage our emotions more effectively.

Basically, we can think of our mind as being a suitcase which over time has collected many beliefs, thoughts, memories and past experiences. Some of these thoughts and beliefs are helpful, and some of these thoughts and beliefs are not so helpful and are causing us much discomfort. Cognitive Therapy assists us to examine what we are carrying around in our suitcase, and then helps us to remove the baggage that it unhelpful and causing us difficulties, and replace it with more useful thoughts and beliefs that help us to gain control over our emotions and behaviour.

Cognitive Therapy is based on the following process:

Beliefs LEADS TO Thoughts LEADS TO Emotions LEADS TO Behaviour

Albert Ellis identified 10 major beliefs, which tend to emerge commonly in people who live with anxiety.

• • I must be loved or liked and approved of by every person in my life.
  • I must be completely competent, make no mistakes and achieve all the time if I am to be considered worthwhile.
  • Some people are bad, wicked or evil, and they should be punished for this.
  • It is dreadful, nearly the end of the world, when things aren’t how I want them to be.
  • My bad feelings are caused by things outside of my control, so I can’t do anything about them.
  • It’s easier to put off something difficult or unpleasant than it is to face up to it.
  • I need to depend on someone stronger than myself.
  • My problem was caused by some event in my past, so that’s why I have it now.
  • I should be very upset by other people’s problems and difficulties.

Every one of the above beliefs is unhealthy and are commonly found in people who live with Social Anxiety Disorder. If we can change our unhealthy beliefs and thoughts and replace then with more healthy and realistic beliefs and thoughts, we can therefore change our emotions (Anxiety) and hence our behaviour (Avoidance/Drug and Alcohol Dependence etc).

The techniques used to assist us in this process are very simple, yet practical and are the foundation of helping us overcome our anxiety. Used in conjunction with some of the other therapies and treatments they become even more powerful. Cognitive Therapy helps us to take control of what we think and believe, and helps us to look at situations for what they really are – more realistically and rationally. When we can, we often realise that there is not really anything to fear as we previously thought, and as a result our anxiety diminishes. When we gain control of our thoughts and emotions we are then in a position to make choice about how we respond to situations.