ABUSE AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER | Are you in a relationship with someone who has BPD?

ABUSE AND BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

One of the ways Borderline Personality Disorder manifests is in relationship dysfunction’s. Partners of people with BPD are often verbally or emotionally abused by the person who has BPD. Some people with BPD may disassociate during rages; they will honestly not remember the emotional abuse they dish out. Other people with BPD deny having been abusive; inability to accept responsibility for their actions and behavior is a common attribute of BPD. (See Gaslighting below.)

Types of emotional / physical / verbal abuse common in people with BPD:

DOMINATION / CONTROL: The internal chaos of the person with BPD’s emotions often gives them a desperate need to control external events, situations and people. (The internal world is so out of control – so external control gives them the sense of stability they lack internally.) They must have their own way, and will resort to manipulation, emotional blackmail,episodes of raging or physical threats to get it. For their partner this creates constant anxiety, fear, erodes self esteem and creates a climate of resentment.

VERBAL ASSAULTS: berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, shaming, excessive blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation. Blowing the non BP’s flaws out of proportion and making fun of the partner in front of others. Over time, this type of abuse utterly erodes the partners sense of self-worth, esteem and confidence.

ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS: People with BPD generally lack self-soothing skills – they are unable to calm themselves and typically look for this soothing from their partners. The person with BP may place unreasonable demands on their partner and want the partner to put everything else aside to tend to their needs. People with BPD expect that relationships will ease the chronic emptiness they feel, and can become resentful and enraged when the relationship fails to meet their every need. Abusive relationship expectations may include demands for constant attention, frequent sex, a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person, or give up everything else in your life. Because these expectations are based in the chemical / emotional imbalance no matter how much you give, it’s never enough. You may be subjected to constant criticism, and are berated because you can’t fulfill all this person’s needs.

HARASSMENT / STALKING BEHAVIOR: People with BPD lack object constancy. They typically feel that when their partner goes away they will be gone forever. (“Out of sight out of mind.”) Non BP’s know that “even though their partner is at work right now they still love me.” People with BPD cannot reassure themselves that this is so. Partners of people with BPD frequently report that the person with BPD will telephone them daily to reassure themselves that the partner is still there and still loves them. If the partner is busy or unavailable the person with BPD may become enraged. People with BPD often demand that their partner remain present no matter how abusive the person with BPD becomes; if they can’t see their partner they cease to exist for them – triggering deep seated abandonment fears.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL / MANIPULATION: The person with BPD may play on the non BP’s fears, guilt, compassion, values, or other “hot buttons” to get what they want. This may include physical threats, withholding affection (the “cold shoulder”), harassment, stalking behaviors, threatening phone messages / email, or use of other threats and / or fear tactics to control the partner.

COMPULSION TO VIOLATE BOUNDARIES: People with BPD often have a compulsive need to violate the boundaries of people and institutions. People with BPD see healthy boundaries in others as limits imposed on them and act out in many ways to assert their control. This manifests as habitual rule breaking, scorn for / resentment of authority figures, petty theft, being asked not to do or say something to you and repeatedly doing it anyway, sexual violation, refusal to honor requests from their partner etc. BP’s often unconsciously seek out partners who have difficulty enforcing their boundaries or expressing their anger. This drains the partners energy, makes them feel under constant attack and erodes self-esteem.

UNPREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts (This is part of the definition of BPD). This behavior is damaging because it puts one always on edge. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what’s expected of you. You must remain hyper-vigilant, waiting for the other person’s next outburst or change of mood. This is exhausting and wears down the partner’s energy and self esteem.

NOTE: An alcoholic or drug abuser is also likely to act this way. Like all mental health issues, BPD is difficult to diagnose while a person continues to use drugs or alcohol; as it’s hard to separate the addictive behavior from symptoms of other disorders. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the partner to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

CYCLING BETWEEN NEED AND RAGE: The person with BPD may cycle rapidly between being very needy and childlike and being rageful and verbally abusive. This is extremely unsettling for their partners becasue you never know what to expect at a given time.

GASLIGHTING: The person with BP will deny your reality and undermine and devalue your perceptions. They will frequently deny that events occurred, lie about their actions and behavior, or deny that they said or did certain things. In some cases this is not a conscious deception. If a borderline has been disassociating,* they may indeed remember what happened very differently. For their partners this is extremely disturbing. It leads them to doubt their own experience, reality and eventually their sanity. Ironically, the partners of BP’s often present for treatment first with statements like “I feel like I’m going crazy” or “I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

*Disassociation is a state of not being present, browning out, losing time etc. Some BP’s disassociate during episodes of raging. They may have no memory, or only partial memory of things they say or do when angry.

CONSTANT CHAOS / CRISIS MAKING: The person with BPD often seems to be in constant conflict with others. (Neighbors, friends, lovers, co-workers etc.) They may deliberately start arguments for the sake of excitement. Simple problems or issues are frequently blow out of proportion to crisis status. The person with BP may be “addicted to drama” since it creates excitement.

ABUSE WITHIN THE BPD/NONBPD DYNAMIC

Many of those involved in relationships with some one who has BPD or traits of the disorder, have difficulty in prioritizing their own safety over the needs of others. It’s hard when you’re living with the craziness and chaos of the disorder to think clearly and to know if what you’re experiencing is abusive. It’s a normal pattern for Non’s to make excuses for those they care about, to minimize the abusive behavior and make it less ugly, demeaning, or damaging than it truly is. To help understand what abuse is, please read the following and answer honestly if these describe your relationship. The following are characteristics of an abusive relationship. If you answer yes to more than two of any of these descriptions, you are most likely in an abusive relationship and need help. You need to get safe immediately. Locate your local shelter and get help. Make your safety and that of your children your most important priority. While we are using “he” for this information, it often may apply to women as well.

1.      PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT? – When you first met the BP in your life, did they move the relationship along very fast? You swept you off your feet? Did you hear “I’ve never loved anyone else like this before”?, “You’re the only person who truly understood me.”?, “You are the only person who has accepted me for who I am”?, “You are the greatest person to have come into my life”? A BP/abuser usually pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment very quickly. Did they ask you to marry them or talk about wanting to move in together within a few weeks or months of beginning the relationship? Did the intensity of the relationship and its high levels of emotion leave your ability to think logically, clouded and ineffective? Did it feel like you’d met your “soul mate”? Were you accused of not showing you love for them quickly enough? Was your time consumed by their involvement?

2.      EXCESSIVE POSSESSIVENESS? – Does the BP in your life call you constantly? Are you abused if you don’t ring at least once a day? Visit often or without notice? Constantly ask questions about work “you might meet someone else at or through work”? Accuse you of “hiding something” if you don’t reveal every detail about your past and present? Were your friend questioned about your past relationships? Do you get confused between what’s appropriate sharing and what’s not? Do they ask whether you flirt with the opposite sex ? Of having affairs? Or other inappropriate relationships?

3.      CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS – Does the BP in your life question you incessantly about your activities when you are apart? Where you went, where you are? If you are at someone else’s place do they become suspicious? Do they question you about your financial matters? For a variety of reasons? “You aren’t good with money”, or “I’m much better with money than you are”, “You have a gambling problem”? Do they limit your contact with friends and family through demanding as much of your time? Do they accuse you of attempting to control their behavior when you ask them where they have been or when they’ll be home? Do they not tell you where they have been and quickly change the subject?

4.      UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS – Does the BP in your life set standards that you find impossible to meet? Do they expect you to be “the perfect” mate in all aspects of life? Do they expect that you will always have the same opinions as them? Do they make you responsible for meeting ALL their needs while having little or no respect for your needs and wants? Are you to be there for them whenever THEY need you? Are you made to feel bad because you weren’t there when they needed you? Is there always a problem happening when you weren’t there?

5.      ISOLATION – Does the BP in your life do their best to isolate you from family, friends, colleagues and others important in your life? Did you ever meet their friends? Have you reduced or eliminated the activities you used to enjoy because you no longer have the time? Do they accuse others of being out to “spoil” your relationship? Or of “not liking them” or “finding fault with them”?

6.      BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS PROBLEMS? – When things go wrong does the BP in your life always have some excuse or reason that blames others, rather than accepting his responsibility for issues and problems? Do they have a string of short term jobs? Or of being fired repeatedly? When there’s a problem in your relationship, do they always blame you, regardless of what they have done? Are problems in the relationship always about you and never about them? When the truth finally comes out is an unknown involved in it and then it is your fault anyway for not being there for them?

7.      MAKES OTHERS COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR FEELINGS? – An abuser will say: “You MADE me do this, it’s all YOUR fault”. A non abuser will say “I’m angry with myself, I made a mistake” “Everyone at work is useless, none of them can do there job correctly” “Management doesn’t listen to me and they make my job hard” An abuser may use emotional blackmail to control your thoughts, feelings and actions. “I’ll kill myself if you leave me” or, “I couldn’t survive without you”. Things happen to them but it is turned around to be your fault even though you were not even involved.

8.      HYPERSENSITIVITY – Is the BP in your life easily insulted? Do they assume negative intentions on the part of others, including you? Do they often find a way to make the most innocent behavior a personal insult or slight aimed at them? Is something simple twisted around to be something you have done wrong, or that you don’t like them, or don’t love them anymore? Blame you for saying this and that (which is actually the opposite).

9.      “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX – Do they enjoy putting you in positions of weakness, or forcing you down, refusing to listen to you if you are being hurt, or feel uncomfortable during sex?

10.      VERBAL ABUSE – Does the BP in your life use words as weapons to hurt and wound you? Do they criticize how you cook, clean, dress, look, or any other activity? Do they curse at you, call you names, degrade you, keep you awake for long periods of time when they are aware that you need to get up in the morning. Do they call you at all hours in the night while you are trying to sleep? Does the BP abuse you personally telling you how bad you are. Do they pull apart your relationship and lay blame squarely at your feet? Use pressure tactics of how they could be going out with so many others instead of you?

11.      SEXUAL PROMISUCITY – Does the BP in your life have loose morals as far as relationships, nights out are concerned. Does the BP often find themselves in sexually embarrassing situations. Are you fed lies about what happened only for the story to change two or three times?

12.      SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS – Does the BP in your life switch from reasonable and rational to screaming and raging over trivial incidents? Or when they have had a bad day at work? Is it always your fault? Do they rage for extended periods of time? Hours? Days? Do they then promise “never to do it again”? Do they promise to do “anything” if only “you’ll forgive him”? Tell you how good you are for them?

13.      PHYSICAL ABUSE – Has the BP in your life ever hit you? Slapped you? Pushed or shoved you? Bounced you off a wall or door? Pushed you down the stairs? Pinched you and left bruises? Refused to allow you to leave a room or your home? If so, you need to get safe immediately!

14.      THREATS OF VIOLENCE – Does the BP in your life make threats? Do they threaten to hurt or destroy things that are valuable to you? Do they threaten your children, family, friends or you? Threaten to take your children away from you if you should separate? Do they then dismiss these threats with comments like: “Everyone talks like that when they’re mad”, or “I didn’t really mean it, besides, you made me so angry I had no choice.”? Do they engage in high risk taking behaviors such as speeding, drink driving?

15.      ALCOHOL OR OTHER SUBSTANCE ABUSE ISSUES – Does the BP in your life have a drinking problem? Do they drink and get drunk often? (Once a week or more?) Are they a binge drinker, drinking large quantities? Do they drink to conceal things? Does binge drinking generally end up in a relationship disagreement? Do they deny they have a drinking problem? Do they use ‘recreational’ drugs? Or abuse prescription pain killers or mood altering drugs? Do they use this as an excuse for violence or other abuse?

You are only a victim while the abuse is happening. Once it’s over, you are a survivor. You can choose to protect yourself and your children. You are not responsible for what the person with BPD does. You ARE only responsible for what you choose to do. Many of those who’ve been abused stay because they think that in leaving the relationship, they must abandon the abuser. They don’t want to do this but finally have to if the BP takes no responsibility for what is happening. The hardest issue to face is making that decision to leave because they see the good in their partner but if they stay they are only allowing the abuse to continue and the Cycle of Abuse, both to us and them to keep rolling on and they are allowing their children to see that abuse. Children who grow up with an abusive parent will most often continue that abuse in their own families as adults. Understand one thing, you leaving is not your fault, your partner denied the problem, promised it wouldn’t happen again but it did and decided themselves that they don’t need help. Most of those who’ve been abused don’t want a divorce or end to the relationship. They want the abuse to stop, they want the BP to look at what is happening. Being in a relationship with someone who has BPD or traits of BPD adds more layers of difficulty to this already complex and difficult dynamic.

Leaving an abusive relationship does not mean that you are ending it. Nor does it mean that your partner cannot change. It is important to know that change almost NEVER happens while the victim remains in the relationship. Most abusive relationships cannot be healed while the parties live together. It takes outside resources, therapy, often the courts and court ordered therapy and treatment for abuse for an Abuser to make the changes needed to stop the abuse.

Care about yourself enough to get safe, get help and being the journey to healing, change and a healthier relationship. If your partner gets the necessary help and the relationship can be salvaged then go for it, otherwise move on. They more than likely have found someone else to abuse, remember they have not changed anything about themselves.

WHAT PARTNERS NEED

Just as a survivor of sexual abuse has specific needs in recovery, so does the partner. I hope this will help you in your journey with your loved ones recovery. Remember – you did not do this to your loved one and that you must be healthy and happy with yourself if you are to support them through recovery. Partners of survivors of sexual abuse need:

Support: Partners feel alone. There are many outlets for the survivor to find support and help, but the partner feels like the forgotten one. They need to find support from other partners, from family, from a counselor, from friends, but often, too, their survivor partner is afraid for the partner to disclose any of the abuse. Survivors need to understand that their partners are victims, too, and very much affected by what the survivor is going through. They need that freedom to find help where they can get it. If the only friends are shared friends, then permission of course needs to be granted to share information, as with family members.

Information About Abuse Recovery: Partners need to know as much as they can about abuse recovery, what to expect, and how best to live with the effects abuse issues are bringing into the relationship. Survivors need to share this part of their life with their partner, and partners need to be interested and caring and learn from the survivor how best to support and help her.

To know that the issues that come up are not about them personally. It is not uncommon for a female survivor for instance to hate the male penis. This can be generalized to ‘all men” until they learn to separate the husband from the abuser(s). This takes time, but in the meantime, the husband needs to understand that this isn’t his fault. It is not about him at all even though the hate may be directed toward him. If partners can keep from personalizing the issues that come up, they will be better able to cope with them. There are also exercises the survivor and partner can do together to help with these gender issues.

Nurturance: Many times the survivor is so absorbed in her own recovery and needs that she/he can’t or doesn’t take time to give to her loved ones. In my opinion, this isn’t healthy for long periods of time for any relationship, and doesn’t ultimately help the survivor either. Continuing to support, nurture, and love your spouse, as well as receiving the same from him/her, will go a longs ways in facilitating healing in your life. What good is healing from past issues if we neglect, abuse, hurt, or destroy the relationships we now have in our life. That will only leave us more alone. Use this time of self-discovery and healing to draw closer to your loved ones, allowing them to meet our needs as we also meet those we are able to meet in their lives. Also, partners need nurturing relationships outside of the marriage. Keep in touch with friends and family members that provide support and encouragement.

Emotional Intimacy: This will surprise some women, but I know many men who crave emotional intimacy as much as women. Sex without intimacy is not as fulfilling or satisfying. Men I know who have had affairs have often said it wasn’t the sex but the fact that the two shared on an emotional level. I’ve also noted that with sexual addictions, the emotional connection is absent. Survivors may not connect emotionally during sex because it was absent when being abused and this I believe can be one important reason why sexual abuse is so damaging to a child. They so crave an emotional attachment and nurturing, but the act of sex leaves them sadly alone causing them to feel even more worthless and used. Both the partner and the survivor have this need, realized or not, and a counselor may be needed to help you achieve this goal.

Sexual Intimacy: I’ve heard men criticized because the sexual relationship is important to them and they find it difficult to think of living the rest of their lives without it. I don’t agree with this at all. The sexual relationship is important, although not the most important part of the relationship. Emotional intimacy is a higher need. I understand the survivors need to withdraw from sex when dealing with a painful memory or dream. This can feel abusive to have sex immediately following a dream from the past. But to cut off the partner sexually for undetermined lengths of time is not in anyone’s best interest. Men need to know they are loved and desired, too. Departure from the sexual side of a marriage will only increase the likelihood of an affair, addiction to pornography, etc. If the survivor needs a break, it should be for an agreed upon time, after which she/he will agree to facing the problem head on and working through it together, or with the help of a counselor if necessary. Denying the partner this part of the relationship is a way of running from or avoiding the problem. After all, if you don’t have sex, you won’t have triggers, or won’t have to deal with the parts you don’t like. But your partner is a part of this process and needs to be included in it by communicating what it is you like, don’t like, what causes triggers, what can be changed, etc. It is hard to work through it all because it is a sensitive, and for some of us an embarrassing issue, but important none-the-less. I’ve gained much insight by facing this. I’ve learned things about my own abuse, I’ve learned why I turn off with a certain touch or position, and I’ve been able for the most part to separate the past from the present so that my husband is no longer associated even sub-consciously with my abusers.

To know how to support the survivor: This can be difficult because survivors will have varying needs at different times. The best thing for the partner to do is to not try to second guess the survivor, or read his/her mind, and don’t try to fix the survivor. The survivor is the best person to know what she/he needs and when. This puts the responsibility with the survivor to be open about his/her needs at the time. Sometimes, this can be difficult because even the survivor may not know or be able to communicate (such as in the midst of a flashback). At these times, the partner can let the survivor know he/she is there and wants to help. Sometimes body language will tell you what not to do…i.e., if you try to hug and the survivor pulls away. Don’t take it personal, simply wait for direction. After it is over, you can ask her/him if there was anything you could have done to help. Many situations will arise that can make the partner feel helpless. Communicate this with each other. If you have some helpful tips about how to support your loved ones from your experience, please share them with us…information on how to support and help with: rage, hate, generalizations, flashbacks, dreams/nightmares, sexual triggers, spacing-out, etc.

Time for Play: The process of recovery can become all-consuming, even obsessive, and if care isn’t taken to plan times of fun and relaxation, abuse issues can become ‘all’ the survivor and partner talk about or deals with on a regular basis. Our relationships, in order to survive and grow, need to be balanced. Plan times on a regular basis where you involve yourself in activities that will take your minds off the problems and especially times of fun. Plans should involve times of fun together and times apart from each other.