CARING FOR THE CARER

You will find that a person with a Personality Disorder will be quite draining and frustrating and one thing you must have is your OWN support system. Because the person you care for does not have the skills to care for themselves let alone you. Sure they will pass emotions across to you, show affection but the last thing on their mind is to truly and deeply care for you. They can’t. They have too many negative thoughts on low self esteem (so why does he like me?), fears of being left alone (he’ll leave me one day), no self respect for themselves so why you, they lack social support (so why should you get some), distortions in cognition and sense of self generally leads to no long term goals with work, friends, relationship and values (therefore why care).

Support their actions, their attempts, what they achieve and their efforts whether they are successful or not. DO NOT support their misunderstandings or incorrect emotions. Support is something on an on-going basis NOT a full time 24/7 basis. You cannot be there for them every minute of the day, every day of the week. You can’t just drop everything for them, you have a live, work, friends that you must keep intact. They have to accept some responsibility and they have to tell you their needs instead of just expecting you to be there for them or always on the phone to them. The danger here is that they may just move on to someone who does support their emotions and needs 24/7.

Personality Disorder people tend to think their illness (or hurt) is their excuse and its not. They are the same as anyone else – make a mistake and you rectify it and NOT dump it on their Carer/Supporter to fix it. A negative trait of BP’s is that they seem to hurt their Carer/Supporter and later just say …nothing. No explanation, no learning from it.

But remember one thing – they suffer CONTINUOUSLY. Their pain can be many things, a combination of things and can be very demanding on you.

Ask yourself the question – who is Caring for the Carer?

P.U.V.A.S

PUVAS is

· Pay attention
· Understand
· Validate the BP’s emotions
· Assert yourself with “My Reality Statement”
· Shift responsibility for the BPs feelings and actions back to the BP.

Not just help them think, but it gives you time to think, to get more specific information, uncover assumptions, get to WHY they are feeling that way, e.g., let’s say the BP says: “You must hate me” The average person would say “No, I don’t dear” or whatever they were feeling. But when you ask, “Why do you say that?” the answer might be: “Because you did XYZ.” You can then deal with XYZ or discuss that they may be mistaken.

At that point, Feelings Become Facts, so this tells you what was said or done (by you or others) that led to the feeling. Then you can talk about a very specific XYZ instead of the vague “You must hate me.” And since it buys you time, you get another benefit: the BP feels LISTENED TO which is SO, SO, SO important. You get more info, you get time. It’s really a win-win, the way I see it.

Keep in mind that:

PUVAS can only be used in some circumstances; when the BP is able to have an actual problem solving situation and seems to want to communicate. It is NOT USED for rages, snipping, or other times when the BP has shut off. Understand that BP’s will draw on getting you emotional, then they are in control. For some Non’s this will be a terrible experience because sometimes the BP goes in to really hurt their support. As much as they need their support they are jealous of their ability to love and care.

My BPex used to say “do you still love me” and I’d say “of course I do”. But I wish I had these skills and returned with “why do you ask that, do you think I don’t?”. Or she’d say, “I’ll understand if you have had enough of me” and the reply could have been “what makes you think I have had enough of you” Both of these would have lead to specific conversation not just the emotion. Hearing from them on why they are feeling that is a very helpful conversation as they will open up with their thoughts.