What is it like being in a relationship with someone who has BPD
IT HELPS TO UNDERSTAND
Being in a marriage/relationship with a person who has Borderline Personality Disorder will test your line of thinking, your own ability to cope and your beliefs. For many BP’s, life during their growing years were very difficult, for some it was even down right repulsive.
During our development years we are taught right from wrong, good from bad, love, warmth, caring, family values and we start to develop our own individual personality and our own belief system. Our parents, family and friends were our mentors. For some BP’s those same mentors were and still are their demons. Demons that will haunt them for the rest of their life, unless they face them. I realize that that is far easier to say than actually do but the demons inside them will not simply disappear. For some BP’s their development was stopped and twisted during these development years and their vision of good & bad, right and wrong, love, warmth, caring etc became twisted and distorted. Their belief system about life and love and everything we live by was formed by sick people who had probably lived with the same hell themselves in their own childhood. Not all BP’s were emotionally and/or physically abused, but far too many were and they are paying the price because of someone else’s inability to provide the most basic need to a child – love.
To those children the giving of love now means hurt and their idea of doing the right thing may actually be wrong. The person who cared for them actually hurt them, to express love was forbidden, to show love and warmth ended up in tears and abandonment and to give love openly meant being punished or abused. Because of this – many BP’s have extremely heightened senses when it comes to pain. They expect it. They believe it will happen because they have so much proof from their past to go by. So, even when someone truly does love them and would never hurt them, they “perceive” things will be hurtful or will become hurtful. To them, this is what happened before therefore it will happen again so why not get in first and remove this supposed upcoming hurt.
For so many, there was also a chemical imbalance in their brain they were dealing with as a child that was undiagnosed. Back then, there was not a lot of knowledge about brain chemicals and how much trouble it causes. Because of that, these people, as children, acted up but no one knew there was a reason why. Instead they found themselves being punished and disciplined over and over again while they were growing up for the inappropriate behavior they displayed out of a sickness that wasn’t their fault and one they couldn’t control. No one even knew it was there; all they saw was the bad behavior that came out of it. Even though the discipline was necessary because of the bad behavior, they were still in trouble all of time and heard the messages that were being sent about that. So they grew up feeling like they were failures and total screw ups, just plain bad! And they still never got the relief from these imbalances which were at the root of it all. It’s hard enough just growing up but to grow up with the confusion that a chemical imbalance causes is difficult for me to comprehend.
I would like you to understand two things – firstly, you are in a relationship with them so never forget the absolute beauty of the person that drew you together and secondly, they didn’t ask for this terrible disorder. The BP is your life is a beautiful person whose development was stifled during their younger years. To understand this gives you a better understanding as to why they may act and react the way they do. The way in which you were brought up and the belief systems you have now claimed as your own may be totally different to theirs but so was their upbringing. Having this understanding will help you deal with some of the issues that you will see as unacceptable, so unacceptable to you but so acceptable to them. That loving, caring person that you met may now be blaming you over some minor issue; telling you that you are wrong; accusing you of having an affair; screaming abuse at you; self injuring themselves in different ways; telling you that you are going to abandon them; that you don’t love them and these comments will go straight to the centre of your heart and cut deep. Stop and ask yourself, “why is this happening?” and you’ll find that it’s their inner child that is acting this way, it’s the disorder and that it is not the person you fell in love with. From early on in my relationship I could see what I called two different people, the one I so truly loved and the one who tried so hard to sabotage our relationship. At first I tried to counteract the sabotage because I knew that wasn’t the real her that was doing it but at the same time I didn’t know why it was happening. I would explain who I was and that it wasn’t me who inflicted the pain she was feeling. She would think about that and come back after speaking with her therapist with some form of acceptance. It wasn’t ever about the person you fell in love with, it was about the disorder. Yes it is so very easy for me to write that and it is difficult for you to comprehend because the normal reaction to this is to protect oneself. It is the disorder, the inner child and the way they were brought up, it’s the pain and the absolute fear they feel on a daily basis. It is their way of dealing with day-to-day life and surviving.
My parents taught me what was right and what was wrong and I have a vivid memory of the love I was given (and my backside has a memory of when I was wrong). I knew that my Mum and Dad loved me because not only did they tell me – they showed in so many ways. My Mum was there for me 24/7 yet at a distance for me to learn to stand on my own two feet. When a hug was needed, it was there, when an ear was needed it was there, when a shoulder was needed it was there and guidance was always even when I thought I knew everything. We weren’t a wealthy family but that is defining wealth in monetary terms only. Our family was a close-knit unit and our friends were accepted into our home as part of our family. That is why some of my beliefs are so similar to those experiences; that is why I love and care and that is why I give and share.
Now try to understand a similar upbringing where the child was sexually and/or emotionally abused; or were left by themselves for hours on end: were neglected; or raised by parents who thought business and profits were more important than the needs, happiness and upbringing of their children. What did the words love, warmth, protection and caring mean to these kids? When the child gave their love to the parent/minder and in return they were sexually and/or emotionally abused imagine the message that sent to them and the understanding they have of love, warmth, caring, parenting? Imagine the confusion that such actions instilled in them. And imagine the internal turmoil that caused that beautiful child.
At what point did the development of the child stop? Wherever it stopped is where they probably are right now, the only difference is that they are now an adult. If it was when they were 7 years old then this beautiful woman or man standing before you has an ‘inner child’ that still has to be developed, nurtured, cared of, taught and loved. Think about how that would affect them it their adult lives?
But why are they only like a BP to me? You need to understand that their journey has led them to create “masks” (read The Truth Behind The Masks on the BP part of this site) to put on whatever situation they might be in. They are adults; and most often; very intelligent and resourceful adults. They are respected and admired at work, they treat new people and friends exceptionally well yet should you dare love them you may get dealt some crap. Enter – The BPD Mask.
At work they can be whoever they want to be; they have the skills necessary to do the job and no one knows about their childhood, their upbringing, their intense hurt or their inner feelings. Friends know only what has been shared with them. New people are a blessing as they know nothing about their struggles. In this area of their lives they can be who they want to be, they can act the way others act and are generally great at what they do. It is this ‘mask’ that drains them, that keeps them on their guard and that eventually is their undoing. A river of fear runs through them because the closer you get the more you see and feel of what they think is the real person within. In actual fact the real person within is more than likely the one you fell in love with, your BP just doesn’t see it that way.
Talking with Psychologists, doctors and ex partners of BP’s I was amazed at the number of BP’s who moved on virtually taking on a whole new identity. Again it’s a choice, finding someone or something who doesn’t know about their background, generally on the other side of the city or in a different state. A fresh start, no one knows me and I can take on my new partner’s identity and start all over again. Sounds good but how long will that ‘mask’ last whilst their development years remain the same. Understand this disorder, the affect it has on them and put your mind at ease – it’s not you, it’s not them – it’s the skills within that are underdeveloped. It’s their way of coping with the situation either perceived or real that is before them at that point in time.
It is too easy when the going gets tough to blame the person with BPD for everything that happens, and that is wrong. We don’t blame people who have Alzheimer’s or Schizophrenia but because the BP deals with situations differently than we do doesn’t give us the right to lay blame. In order to understand their actions we need to understand the disorder. Having said that, if the person you love does nothing about this disorder or remains in denial about it then you have to start looking after your own best interests and the interests of any children. No one has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder overnight. No one. An important lesson I learnt was ‘how could I expect myself to love and support someone else when I wasn’t looking after myself’. Set your boundaries of acceptable behaviour, stand by those decisions, stand by your values and beliefs and look after the most important person in your life – YOU.
Finally let’s look at how we as a community look at and treat Borderline Personality Disorder. We don’t. Clinicians know little about this disorder. Australian Psychiatrists tell me “that they haven’t recognized BPD in Australia as yet”, Therapists tell me that all a person with BPD does is try to control and manipulate, other tell their clients to RUN from the relationship and that there is nothing they can do for their BP, Government Mental Health has little or no information on BPD and BP’s who I have put in contact with Community Mental Health agencies have been told that they can’t help them due to lack of skills or funding. And a BP has a fear of abandonment/rejection!!!
The site is here to provide support and information so please post a message on the message board and discuss any issues you may be facing. Stay strong.
BORDERLINE DILEMMA – THE WAY IT WAS FOR ME
If reading this gets confusing or starts to give you a headache then I will have made my point. The point of the way this is written is to try to give the reader an active sense of what it feels like to live within the confines of borderline dilemma.
If you are borderline, you may relate, and this may help you to understand that you are not the “only one” who experiences the way that you feel. If you are a non-borderline perhaps this will serve to give you a peak inside of what the borderline in your life is living through.
Rage from nowhere, attached to nothing…. floating-freely from deep within me and ready in an instant to spew forth in what seem like instantaneously-effortless bursts of unbridled entitlement to give me a sense of power amidst the feelings of helplessness that are my every waking moment. If I am helpless you are too powerful, no, I will be powerful. I will take your power away so you can be helpless. I don’t do helpless. I am power. I must have the power. We can’t both have the power. I want what is mine. You are mine right? I am not yours though, I cannot be anybody’s because I am not even my own. I gave myself to you. We are each others right? I mean, what’s the difference?
Fear strikes me from all corners of my being. What, what is it that I am not seeing? Is not what I perceive what is really real? Why is it that I am the only one who sees what I see, just the way that I do? What does this mean? Surely this is what is wrong with the world right? I mean it can’t be my problem. I am not afraid. I am not scared or weak or vulnerable. I need you….. NO!! ….I am strong and I don’t need you. If you let me need you I won’t want you anymore. And if you say I can’t have you then I’ve got to have you. If you let me have you then I don’t want you anymore. I want you when you don’t want me and I need you when you won’t help me. It is the biting and the pain of this cold distance that I know that somehow is familiar and is the feeling that I need to give me the illusion of safety. If I were truly safe I’d be exposed and not safe at all. Get away by coming closer and come closer by getting away. I am exposed most when I hide and hidden when I try to be who I think I am.
Feeling alone, again, abandoned as always, alone, again. I am everyone and everyone is me. Who am I again? Oh yea, that person, and that person, and what this person, and this person, want. Where does that leave me when I am alone? Who am I then? Do I cease to exist if I am not in the company of someone off of whom I can bounce my existence and from whom all of my validation must come?
What is wrong with the world? Why can’t they see my pain? Don’t they know how incredibly much I hurt? Can’t they see that I need them to hold some of this pain for me, validate it, and take it away; for my soul runneth over with agony? Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault. I didn’t do this to me. I didn’t choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain and anger and grief as is an infant whose mother is angry with him or her. What do I do with that angry face? It is not acceptance, it is rejecting me…..but I NEED it…..what am I to do? I don’t know what to do so I put it beside me. Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there….and it builds over the course of a lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don’t feel it at all. I need to get what I need. I’ll die if I don’t. I’ll just die. I am dying to live and in my attempts to live I die.
And so I have remained trapped inside this isolated and insulated place of youth stunted in my emotional growth. I am a victim. It is not my fault. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt. Why don’t you care? Why don’t you care? Make it go away. Make it stop, just love me from over there. Love me, but don’t you dare really care. It would hurt too much if you were to care. I wouldn’t understand who you were caring for or about because I don’t know who I am. I hate who I am and what I am. I hate whoever the hell I am. I have come to hate what it is that I might be, or sometimes am. I don’t like the voided vacuum within which I feel like my being exists under a glass bubble. So close, yet so far away from others am I. So close, yet so far away, from whoever I am, am I. Who are you trying to care about? What does that mean, that you want to care about me? It would mean that I needed you to care. I don’t need you to care but I am dying for you to care. Still, care from over there and don’t act like I need you.
Rescue me, by leaving me alone…it’ll kill me. Leave me alone but rescue me. I need you to rescue me if I am to live. I am not alive. I am dead. I am dead when I try to be alive. I am alive when I act like I’m so dead I can’t feel anything. There is such a sharp feel to the pain of numbness. Feeling the absence of myself like this. Where do the feelings go? Where does all of that pain hide? I dissociate from all that hurts. I give it to others. It is their fault, and their problem, not mine. Help me, while you leave me alone. Leave me alone while you help me. NOW!
I am the center of the universe. Yes I am. I am it and it is me. I will act this way too, if I feel like it. No, you can’t win. I will win. I’ll get you coming and I’ll get you going and there will be no way that you can win. I must always win. I need to control because I feel so helplessly out of control, but you can’t know that. You can’t know that okay, you don’t know that about me. I don’t know that about me. I don’t know you and cause I don’t know me. You can’t know me either. No, I won’t let you in to a place that I have yet to gain access to. No, me first.
Who am I? I thought I knew just a minute ago. Then, suddenly nothing felt familiar anymore. Nothing felt okay anymore: nothing felt SAFE anymore – nothing felt as it had before. Why does this happen and what does it mean? What do you mean you don’t know? You are supposed to know. I expect you to know. And if I expect it then I have a right to demand it from you. Don’t go asking me for anything, NO, it depends how I feel, and what I believe in any given moment…you just never can know cause I never know what I’ll do or say or feel. Every moment changes and shifts from one to the next. What is real, what is truth, whether or not I think I can take care of myself or what I feel, or right or wrong, from minute to minute changes, so I really just don’t know. I don’t care to know. Don’t bother me about it. Leave me alone, just stay here. And be quiet while you talk to me. Talk to me silently. Words can hurt. Don’t be too quiet in your silence though, because silence can kill a soul. I know, it killed mine over and over again. Dead, time and time again, risen hopes, only to fall and to die, unanswered, arms outstretched, never reached for, never grasped, arms that hung outstretched while a little girl screamed in terror and fear and had more need than any infant could possibly bear to hold. Arms…that had to hold themselves, suspended in mid air, left alone, ignored. Arms that would take another 36 years to ever dare to reach out again. So hold me, and rock me — rock me to stillness — gently okay, just don’t touch me really, you know?
Truth, you want to talk truth? Whose truth, yours or mine? Is there a truth between? No, my truth is truth. Your idea of truth is a lie. I don’t lie. If I don’t lie and our truths aren’t the same that makes you a liar. Does so….just does. If I am right then you are wrong. Yes you are. No I’m not. If I am good then you are bad if you don’t agree with me and or see things my way. My way isn’t just right; it is the only way. What matters is what I want and need. That’s my truth. And my truth is the truth. Don’t you even try to lie to me, don’t…
I know things but they seem fleeting. What is real and important one minute is fragile and or gone and or misunderstood-misperceived and misinterpreted by me the next minute. I don’t know why? You were here a minute ago and it mattered. But then you left. While you were gone for three minutes and fifty-four seconds (clock time — forever in my own sense of the reality of time) I forgot that you mattered to me and now I find it incredibly impossible to believe that you could love me and leave me just like that for three minutes and fifty-four seconds…to wait and to suffer like that, alone, isolated and afraid. Don’t ever do that again. Promise me! Do you have any idea what you put me through? My parents left me like that. It’s not alright for you to just be you and not be me — while I’m being you too. I know things seem fleeting. Things keep changing. I can’t hold anymore than I am whether I am holding anything or not.
You live in a “big picture.” Life, so I am told unfolds in some “big picture” of reality. I live in millions of little pictures. Millions of pieces of reality. Snap shots from the whole, fragmented seconds of minutes that seem to encompass hours. I can’t tell what is going on around me like you do. No, it does not make sense to me. Part of this picture lined up with part of that one…what am I supposed to see? What can I know from these mixed up jigsaw puzzle messages? I get part of it. I don’t understand the rest. First you seem to make sense, and then you don’t so I get angry and frustrated. In one part of the picture I care about you but in another part of the picture I remember out of context when you said this or that and then I can’t trust you anymore, or not until the next moment when two picture pieces fit briefly together. This is my experience. So one minute I want you close, from a distance and the next minute I want you distantly-close. This is what is going on inside of me. I don’t want to hurt you like I do I just don’t know how to make sense of all of these jumbled messages and fragmented pictures that bombard my mind constantly with images and thoughts that do not fit together, not now, not ever, hardly ever anyway. If memories are pictures of the way things were (or the way things are?)then my memories, like strewn screams, echo to a voided-abyss in a cavernous canyon. Imagine all of that sound overlapping itself. Could you hear me then, any better than I can hear you now?
A.J. Mahari recovered from BPD and has many articles like this at
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/borderpd.html
An absolutely brilliant piece of writing about a disorder and how it affected her. If you are in a Borderline relationship you have to try to understand why these things are happening. You see an issue and to you that means X but to your BP it had nothing to do with that, it was because of Y. My ex used to always ask me if I still loved her and of course I answered yes but what I needed to think about was why was she feeling like that? Knowing what I know now I should have answered “of course I do but tell me what makes you think I don’t?”
RESCUE ME? (A borderline mantra)
So often the demand of the person with Borderline Personality Disorder is – RESCUE ME! Borderlines are seeking the rescue in the here and now that they required in the past. More often than not borderlines seeking to be rescued will manipulate through acting out behavior or through recapitulating past traumatic events, in the here and now. This is a dissociative phenomenon.
In many ways borderlines are very intelligent and capable people – competent. Then suddenly, they are seemingly helpless and in need of rescue. Often the understanding of what is behind the differences in presentation is as much a mystery to the borderline as it is to those around him/her.
Manipulating to be rescued speaks also to the relational style of those with BPD. They will relate like “top dog” one minute and like a total “under dog” the next. There is little to no in between.
The borderline world is made up of polar opposites, of the black and the white. Therefore the borderline is either better than you, stronger than you, above you, or he/she is less than you, weaker than you, beneath you, in his/her perceptions.
The inherent struggle for an autonomy that terrifies the borderline (subconsciously they often become their own worst enemies–their own abusers once removed from their actual past abusers –therefore they do not trust their own autonomy and personal power any more than that of their abusers) sees many a borderline attempt to take personal responsibility only to turn on a dime, dump it and ask someone else to take it, hold it and deal with it. This is part of seeking to be rescued not only from the past but also from themselves. Add to this that most borderlines (in the early stages of recovery) do not know who they are. This is another scary part of why they are so willing to abdicate to you or anyone else that will take control. But, the second you take control the borderline will balk at that and attempt to win control back. If they get it back they’ll hate that too and throw it back at you.
Borderlines seek to be rescued because emotionally they are still very young. They may intellectually have the where-with-all of an adult but not emotionally.
A big part of shirking one’s own personal responsibility and “collapsing” to be rescued is motivated by the borderline’s inability to hold (deal with and cope with) his/her own feelings, and emotions. Feelings and emotions often give rise to a panic that leaves a borderline feeling very unsafe and unsure and increases his/her overall need to be taken care of.
A borderline will only crave to be rescued until you are seen to pass the rescuing test. Once you commit yourself to engaging this aspect of borderline drama you will find that what you are met with is anger or rage at the prospect that somehow you know better than the borderline does.
In the arena of a borderline seeking to be rescued anyone else in that person’s life will be walking ever so gently on the most maddening eggshells at this point.
If one continues to be manipulated into providing rescue for a borderline not only will that person be confused, hurt and no doubt angry (sooner or later) but the borderline once again gets to side step what is most needed in order to attain some recovery…..the accepting of personal responsibility.
Easy for me to say right now…. not easy for a borderline to read but if you have a borderline in your life the best thing you can do (in the long run) for both yourself and your borderline is NOT engage in any rescuing activity/behavior. This too, of course will be met with rage. You will get rage no matter what you do until the borderline learns to feel what hurts so badly.
If you are borderline and you don’t know how to be alone, or how to feel your own feelings or meet your own needs you are likely engaging somewhere in your life in demanding rescue from others. Clearly, you need to know that this behavior will almost always result in the alienation of that person from you. (sooner or later). Seeking to be rescued is not the answer. You do not need rescue anymore. If you are borderline, what you need is to find yourself and to take care of yourself by yourself.
If you are Borderline and you seek rescue you are not being honest with yourself or with anyone else. Lack of honesty is another thing that drives people away.
A NON BORDERLINE’S – QUEST TO UNDERSTAND BORDERLINES
1. When a Borderline wakes up in the morning, do they decide they want to be cruel that day or does it just “happen” like a switch coming on?
Interesting question. My answer would be yes, and no. Yes because, in essence all of our behaviour is chosen, but no in the sense that most borderlines (until they reach a certain point of healing – being able to take personal responsibility) truly have no clue emotionally that they are indeed making such choices. Borderlines, when cruel, are usually triggered and experiencing some level or measure of dissociation – thus they heap into a moment with their SO’s for ie, something that has nothing to do with what is truly unfolding in the reality of your shared present reality.
2. Do Borderlines enjoy making us unhappy? Are they jealous of us when they see us happy?
I don’t think so. I know when I was borderline, way back, before I was very aware of others or of my own behaviour and before I learned to take personal responsibility that I really didn’t care how others felt most of the time — unless I “needed” them. I think most around borderlines are experiencing the angst and agony that is very real for those with this personality disorder. They cannot comprehend peace or working together. In borderline reality if you are right they have to be wrong and if they think you think they are wrong they feel threatened and when they feel threatened (or vulnerable) all the defense mechanisms get turned up to full steam ahead. I think most borderlines care that they make others unhappy but like a small child who just needs and needs and needs and wants and wants and wants – emotionally they just can’t put you ahead of them and so much of the time with borderlines they act as if they are the centre of the universe – narcissistic because if they aren’t the centre they feel invisible which equals powerless and vulnerable.
Many borderlines aren’t jealous. Some may be. Personally, I wasn’t so much jealous as just lost. And when I was borderline and lost I felt vulnerable, it was a trigger and I would feel “less than” and then feel compelled to set out to make the other person feel “less than” so that I could overcompensate for my lack of worth, esteem and competence (emotionally). For a long time too, I really just didn’t understand happy, so happy would piss me off. I think it was feeling unable to get to happy in the way I would see others and or perceive that others were that most elicited chaotic responses from me in their happy and peaceful times. It was like a fear of the “calm before the storm”. I was always waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. When I’d get tired of waiting I would pull it down on my head so to speak. So my interruptions of others’ happiness was more about me and not so much a jealousy as my own inability to cope. I used to feel “less-than” a happy person.
3. Do Borderlines know they are different from other people? If they do, do they care?
Oh yes, most do know this and most care VERY much. In fact it is this caring that often, sadly, drives them to more outrageous alienating and distancing and or push/pulling behaviour. With the stigma attached to BPD in both the world in general and the mental health profession there is a profound sense of being different and that that different is NOT okay and when a borderline feels “not okay” they again fight to get to the other extreme of all okay. But, to be all okay, they mistakenly believe (out of a lack of emotional maturity) that for them to be okay you can’t be okay.(more black and white stuff).
4. What are some warning signs to detect when a Borderline is in a “bad” mood?
This can vary with each individual borderline I would imagine. For many it is withdrawal, distancing, or push/pull (a combination of distancing and pulling behaviours). For others it may be rages or abusive criticism. Don’t forget that every bad mood that a borderline has they don’t have just because they have a personality disorder. If I were you I’d be searching to identify if there is anything (in/from your borderline) that is between a good mood and a bad mood. If not, that is a more telling thing than which mood they are in when. If there is no combination ever of the two it is an indication of how polarized their thinking is.
5. Why can’t a Borderline ever say they are sorry? Is it because they don’t think that they have done anything wrong?
Well, here, it’s important to remember not to generalize too much. When I was borderline it seemed I spent half of my life saying I was sorry. I meant it too but was for years unable to change my behaviour so I just kept saying sorry. The issues here are conscience, ability to take personal responsibility and emotional maturity — all of which are severely handicapped when one has BPD until one works through these issues. There are also those out there, borderline or not, who for whatever reason think that to apologize is weak. Some apologize and mean it. Others never do and don’t care and then other borderlines likely care, and know they’ve done wrong but would feel too vulnerable to say they are sorry — it hinges upon self-trust (or lack thereof)too as to whether or not they can trust someone else with this aspect of their emotional vulnerability or not.
Don’t forget though, 100 apologies, even heart-felt for a behaviour or abuse that continues to go on may be an indication that the person in relationship to the borderline is not taking care of him/herself.
6. How can Borderlines be so mean to those closest to them and nice to others around them?
Again, often it has to do with triggers. If they have unfinished business with parents – abuse issues etc etc these will continue to play out in any SO relationship until they heal them and get themselves emotionally under control. For many they are putting out what they received as children. I know in my case my parents were pretty bloody mean. A lot of how I ended up treating people in my borderline years was rooted in how I experienced people in my childhood and also in the absence of any healthy relationships.
Borderlines often feel out of control, whether they realize it or not. So they seek to control their environment and or others in it in order to feel in control. Borderlines, until they develop a sense of self, live essentially through others. So if your borderline is living through you and feels out of control, he will try to control you as a way of trying to ease/soothe what ails him/her.
7. What would make a Borderline want to get help?
In my experience it was pain. It was realizing that I just hurt too much and that I needed to know why and I wanted to try to ease my pain, soothe it and or heal it. Also, I was not okay with hurting people. I hurt many people in my life but I always DID care. I had a strong conscience and once I learned how abusive I was — well — even though I didn’t know who I was (at that point) I did know this was NOT THE REAL ME – it was me recycling out my past. I had a burning desire to find the real me and to be able to be that person.
I think the motivation for each borderline is highly individual for the most part but that there would be a commonality in terms of wanting the pain to stop and of wanting to be able to have healthy relationships/friendships that work.
You cannot manipulate or force or cajole a borderline to get help though. They clearly have to want it themselves.
8. Sometimes when I am “attacked” by my Borderline husband I start to cry. What is the best way to react to him?
What does he do when you cry? If this escalates his behaviour you may want to do something else for yourself. If he doesn’t react to your crying by behaving more dramatically and you want to cry – cry. You may benefit from looking at why you are crying, what hurts and what you can do about it. You need to take care of yourself and protect yourself emotionally (if not physically as well). It depends upon your boundaries. Personally, if I were in a relationship with a borderline (which by the way I just wouldn’t do now, no matter what) I would draw a line. I would let them know that certain behaviour will not be tolerated and that if it happens I’m going to do, a, b, c etc……and stick to it and do it. For example if he does whatever it is that he does that leaves you crying, you might say, if you do _____________ I will not talk to you for 2 hours. If you do ____________ I will leave the house for 1 hour. If you do ___________ I will ________________. The point of these boundaries is two-fold. Firstly, they are for your protection and well-being. Secondly, borderlines, who often have no boundaries of their own, can benefit from yours and from you clearly imposing limits on what you will and won’t take. (or put up with from them or engage in with them).
9. What is the longest period of time that you went being nice to others around you? Days, weeks?
That’s hard to say. Much of my life I was not close to anyone. In that time however, I did many things in which I interacted with people, just not intimately. I coached kids in sports and things like that and was able to maintain a competent mature and situationally-appropriate mood. I was nice. I was a very nice person to most people most of the time. But in terms of primary relationships or even friendships I was likely lucky to get through only days until I had some issue, or trigger come up and anger and feelings of abandonment etc.
Remember part of the BPD diagnosis means clearly that borderlines are not emotionally mature enough – don’t have strong enough ego boundaries and sense of self to relate healthily. That’s just reality. So to expect more than your borderline can do now (without concerted effort in therapy) is unrealistic.
10. I was just “attacked” by my husband, who I know will not apologize for being so cruel. This builds up so much resentment because I know I will be the one to make up to him. The dog licking the hand that beats it syndrome. What is the best way for me to better handle an “attack”?
Stop pandering. Stop taking responsibility for what is his and for what he does. Set boundaries in place. Refuse to sit there and be attacked anymore. Take leave. Go to a separate room and lock the door. Leave the house. Do not continue to feed his “stuff” with attention of any kind. If, under these circumstances you think he may get violent than really think about whether or not you should be with him right now at all. You have rights. You have a right to space and a right to peace. You have a right to feel what you feel and believe what you believe. You have the right to NOT BE ATTACKED. You have to right to expect him to make right his wrongs (instead of you doing it). Take care of yourself. Be prepared to put yourself, your health, your safety and your sanity ahead of him and your relationship. You cannot control what he thinks feels or what he choose to do but you can control what you do, what you say, what you put up and what you don’t.
11. Do Borderlines really understand “Love” Do they love us? Do they love themselves?”?
No. Anyone with BPD, who is without a consistent sense of their own identity and “self” – authentic self as opposed to “false-self”, cannot love themselves at all. They do not know themselves. And that absence of self is the root of so much of borderline pain. Since they cannot love themselves they cannot possibly love anyone else. It may sound simple, but actually this part is simple. It’s believing it that is so difficult for so many. No, borderlines do not love themselves. Healthy love, for self and for others is a rare thing these days. People, borderline, or not must work hard to learn how to love themselves and others. It takes both parties in any relationship doing that for it to have a healthy chance at health. Any less is just a fallacy and often a very painful dance of co-dependency.
12. Why doesn’t it matter to him when I tell him how much it hurts??”
Likely because your reality is not his. He probably has little to no idea what he is doing or how it affects you. He will likely begin to learn when you put boundaries in place and stop supporting his pathology at every turn. At this point he will have two choices, learn or lose you. I hope that you will ensure that he loses you before you lose yourself.
I hope something I’ve said will be of assistance to you. I do want to point out here too though that what you’ve written just above is “it” in a nut-shell. YOU, do have to help yourself, take care of yourself and ask yourself why you have been (at least up till now) willing to put up with being hurt by the one that is “supposed” to love you? Love is not “supposed to hurt”. Love “should” not tear down. Love “should” build up.
When I was borderline I had no clue. I thought that raging abuse was a legitimate way to show I cared. It was the only way I once knew how. Life has taught me otherwise. Each and every borderline must take personal responsibility to find their own identity from the inside out and to stop trying to meet all of their needs through living through and or manipulating others.
TAKE CARE OF YOU — and ask yourself, what, what is it about this man that you so love? Is he tender? Is he sensitive? Is he an equal partner (emotionally)? Is he a good friend? Is he emotionally available? Is he working toward mutual goals in your relationship/life?
THE BLACK HOLE OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
The black hole of BPD is that abyss in between love and hate – in between consistency and inconsistency. It is that aching, seemingly endless space of dark dingy determined drudgery. It is the piercing-gut-wrenching wind that puts out the flame of so much hope and so much love. It is the beginning of the end of so many relationship opportunities. It is the end of the beginning of all that is new as it begins to end yet again and again. It is the personification of abandonment. It is the darkness of distance and the loneliness of lacking love.
The black hole of BPD is love sought and lost no matter what the cost. Love begged for and loved chased all in the name of trying to repair the damage of yesterday. It is the essence of the aching allure of love and the nurture that it holds out, precious promise of a chance to heal, a chance to grow, a chance to be re-parented and a chance to learn what you missed back then.
The black hole of BPD is the absence of self. It is the emptiness that echoes endlessly in the cavernous corners of a sobbing soul. It is pain. It is agony. It is stolen youth. It is youth robbed of innocence. This black hole of BPD takes all-comers. It is not discriminating. Whether you have BPD or know someone who does the black hole will gladly open up for you. It will swallow you whole if you let it. Don’t let it.
If you don’t have BPD but care about someone who does have it: Know the difference between love and hate. Know the difference between love and abuse. Know the difference between those with boundaries and respect and those without both. Know that you deserve more than to be drawn deeply into the bottomless pit of someone else’s needs and wants. Know that you do not have to be a willing hostage. Know that you can only be held captive as long as you participate in your own abduction. Don’t confuse taking with giving. Do not think that it is appropriate for an adult to be a child. Do not excuse the rage. Do not accept the anger. Do not allow the acting-out. Insist that there be peace, calm, reason and responsibility. Do not confuse love with need.
The black hole of BPD is wide and deep. It is weak and it is strong. It is depression personified. It is the pit within which combustion can fuel a fire of any size. It is the base of the flame, the match and the kindling. It is mutiny. It is a calm breeze that suddenly become a hurricane. It is a gentle rain that throws itself into a monsoon. It is a construction zone complete with holes in the road in the absence of caution signs. It is a universe onto itself. A life in parallel to the rest of the world. A world within a world. A painful place to be. A nightmare. Dark.