Being in a marriage\/relationship with a person who has Borderline Personality Disorder will test your line of thinking, your own ability to cope and your beliefs. For many BP\u2019s, life during their growing years were very difficult, for some it was even down right repulsive.<\/p>\n
During our development years we are taught right from wrong, good from bad, love, warmth, caring, family values and we start to develop our own individual personality and our own belief system. Our parents, family and friends were our mentors. For some BP\u2019s those same mentors were and still are their demons. Demons that will haunt them for the rest of their life, unless they face them. I realize that that is far easier to say than actually do but the demons inside them will not simply disappear. For some BP\u2019s their development was stopped and twisted during these development years and their vision of good & bad, right and wrong, love, warmth, caring etc became twisted and distorted. Their belief system about life and love and everything we live by was formed by sick people who had probably lived with the same hell themselves in their own childhood. Not all BP\u2019s were emotionally and\/or physically abused, but far too many were and they are paying the price because of someone else’s inability to provide the most basic need to a child – love.<\/p>\n
To those children the giving of love now means hurt and their idea of doing the right thing may actually be wrong. The person who cared for them actually hurt them, to express love was forbidden, to show love and warmth ended up in tears and abandonment and to give love openly meant being punished or abused. Because of this – many BP\u2019s have extremely heightened senses when it comes to pain. They expect it. They believe it will happen because they have so much proof from their past to go by. So, even when someone truly does love them and would never hurt them, they “perceive” things will be hurtful or will become hurtful. To them, this is what happened before therefore it will happen again so why not get in first and remove this supposed upcoming hurt.<\/p>\n
For so many, there was also a chemical imbalance in their brain they were dealing with as a child that was undiagnosed. Back then, there was not a lot of knowledge about brain chemicals and how much trouble it causes. Because of that, these people, as children, acted up but no one knew there was a reason why. Instead they found themselves being punished and disciplined over and over again while they were growing up for the inappropriate behavior they displayed out of a sickness that wasn\u2019t their fault and one they couldn\u2019t control. No one even knew it was there; all they saw was the bad behavior that came out of it. Even though the discipline was necessary because of the bad behavior, they were still in trouble all of time and heard the messages that were being sent about that. So they grew up feeling like they were failures and total screw ups, just plain bad! And they still never got the relief from these imbalances which were at the root of it all. It\u2019s hard enough just growing up but to grow up with the confusion that a chemical imbalance causes is difficult for me to comprehend.<\/p>\n
I would like you to understand two things – firstly, you are in a relationship with them so never forget the absolute beauty of the person that drew you together and secondly, they didn’t ask for this terrible disorder. The BP is your life is a beautiful person whose development was stifled during their younger years. To understand this gives you a better understanding as to why they may act and react the way they do. The way in which you were brought up and the belief systems you have now claimed as your own may be totally different to theirs but so was their upbringing. Having this understanding will help you deal with some of the issues that you will see as unacceptable, so unacceptable to you but so acceptable to them. That loving, caring person that you met may now be blaming you over some minor issue; telling you that you are wrong; accusing you of having an affair; screaming abuse at you; self injuring themselves in different ways; telling you that you are going to abandon them; that you don’t love them and these comments will go straight to the centre of your heart and cut deep. Stop and ask yourself, “why is this happening?” and you’ll find that it’s their inner child that is acting this way, it’s the disorder and that it is not the person you fell in love with. From early on in my relationship I could see what I called two different people, the one I so truly loved and the one who tried so hard to sabotage our relationship. At first I tried to counteract the sabotage because I knew that wasn’t the real her that was doing it but at the same time I didn’t know why it was happening. I would explain who I was and that it wasn’t me who inflicted the pain she was feeling. She would think about that and come back after speaking with her therapist with some form of acceptance. It wasn’t ever about the person you fell in love with, it was about the disorder. Yes it is so very easy for me to write that and it is difficult for you to comprehend because the normal reaction to this is to protect oneself. It is the disorder, the inner child and the way they were brought up, it’s the pain and the absolute fear they feel on a daily basis. It is their way of dealing with day-to-day life and surviving.<\/p>\n
My parents taught me what was right and what was wrong and I have a vivid memory of the love I was given (and my backside has a memory of when I was wrong). I knew that my Mum and Dad loved me because not only did they tell me \u2013 they showed in so many ways. My Mum was there for me 24\/7 yet at a distance for me to learn to stand on my own two feet. When a hug was needed, it was there, when an ear was needed it was there, when a shoulder was needed it was there and guidance was always even when I thought I knew everything. We weren\u2019t a wealthy family but that is defining wealth in monetary terms only. Our family was a close-knit unit and our friends were accepted into our home as part of our family. That is why some of my beliefs are so similar to those experiences; that is why I love and care and that is why I give and share.<\/p>\n
Now try to understand a similar upbringing where the child was sexually and\/or emotionally abused; or were left by themselves for hours on end: were neglected; or raised by parents who thought business and profits were more important than the needs, happiness and upbringing of their children. What did the words love, warmth, protection and caring mean to these kids? When the child gave their love to the parent\/minder and in return they were sexually and\/or emotionally abused imagine the message that sent to them and the understanding they have of love, warmth, caring, parenting? Imagine the confusion that such actions instilled in them. And imagine the internal turmoil that caused that beautiful child.<\/p>\n
At what point did the development of the child stop? Wherever it stopped is where they probably are right now, the only difference is that they are now an adult. If it was when they were 7 years old then this beautiful woman or man standing before you has an ‘inner child’ that still has to be developed, nurtured, cared of, taught and loved. Think about how that would affect them it their adult lives?<\/p>\n
But why are they only like a BP to me? You need to understand that their journey has led them to create “masks” (read The Truth Behind The Masks on the BP part of this site) to put on whatever situation they might be in. They are adults; and most often; very intelligent and resourceful adults. They are respected and admired at work, they treat new people and friends exceptionally well yet should you dare love them you may get dealt some crap. Enter \u2013 The BPD Mask.<\/p>\n
At work they can be whoever they want to be; they have the skills necessary to do the job and no one knows about their childhood, their upbringing, their intense hurt or their inner feelings. Friends know only what has been shared with them. New people are a blessing as they know nothing about their struggles. In this area of their lives they can be who they want to be, they can act the way others act and are generally great at what they do. It is this \u2018mask\u2019 that drains them, that keeps them on their guard and that eventually is their undoing. A river of fear runs through them because the closer you get the more you see and feel of what they think is the real person within. In actual fact the real person within is more than likely the one you fell in love with, your BP just doesn’t see it that way.<\/p>\n
Talking with Psychologists, doctors and ex partners of BP\u2019s I was amazed at the number of BP’s who moved on virtually taking on a whole new identity. Again it\u2019s a choice, finding someone or something who doesn’t know about their background, generally on the other side of the city or in a different state. A fresh start, no one knows me and I can take on my new partner’s identity and start all over again. Sounds good but how long will that \u2018mask\u2019 last whilst their development years remain the same. Understand this disorder, the affect it has on them and put your mind at ease – it’s not you, it’s not them – it’s the skills within that are underdeveloped. It’s their way of coping with the situation either perceived or real that is before them at that point in time.<\/p>\n
It is too easy when the going gets tough to blame the person with BPD for everything that happens, and that is wrong. We don’t blame people who have Alzheimer’s or Schizophrenia but because the BP deals with situations differently than we do doesn’t give us the right to lay blame. In order to understand their actions we need to understand the disorder. Having said that, if the person you love does nothing about this disorder or remains in denial about it then you have to start looking after your own best interests and the interests of any children. No one has recovered from Borderline Personality Disorder overnight. No one. An important lesson I learnt was ‘how could I expect myself to love and support someone else when I wasn’t looking after myself’. Set your boundaries of acceptable behaviour, stand by those decisions, stand by your values and beliefs and look after the most important person in your life – YOU.<\/p>\n
Finally let’s look at how we as a community look at and treat Borderline Personality Disorder. We don’t. Clinicians know little about this disorder. Australian Psychiatrists tell me “that they haven’t recognized BPD in Australia as yet”, Therapists tell me that all a person with BPD does is try to control and manipulate, other tell their clients to RUN from the relationship and that there is nothing they can do for their BP, Government Mental Health has little or no information on BPD and BP’s who I have put in contact with Community Mental Health agencies have been told that they can’t help them due to lack of skills or funding. And a BP has a fear of abandonment\/rejection!!!<\/p>\n
The site is here to provide support and information so please post a message on the message board and discuss any issues you may be facing. Stay strong.<\/p>\n
If reading this gets confusing or starts to give you a headache then I will have made my point. The point of the way this is written is to try to give the reader an active sense of what it feels like to live within the confines of borderline dilemma.<\/strong><\/p>\n If you are borderline, you may relate, and this may help you to understand that you are not the “only one” who experiences the way that you feel. If you are a non-borderline perhaps this will serve to give you a peak inside of what the borderline in your life is living through.<\/strong><\/p>\n Rage from nowhere, attached to nothing…. floating-freely from deep within me and ready in an instant to spew forth in what seem like instantaneously-effortless bursts of unbridled entitlement to give me a sense of power amidst the feelings of helplessness that are my every waking moment. If I am helpless you are too powerful, no, I will be powerful. I will take your power away so you can be helpless. I don’t do helpless. I am power. I must have the power. We can’t both have the power. I want what is mine. You are mine right? I am not yours though, I cannot be anybody’s because I am not even my own. I gave myself to you. We are each others right? I mean, what’s the difference?<\/p>\n Fear strikes me from all corners of my being. What, what is it that I am not seeing? Is not what I perceive what is really real? Why is it that I am the only one who sees what I see, just the way that I do? What does this mean? Surely this is what is wrong with the world right? I mean it can’t be my problem. I am not afraid. I am not scared or weak or vulnerable. I need you….. NO!! ….I am strong and I don’t need you. If you let me need you I won’t want you anymore. And if you say I can’t have you then I’ve got to have you. If you let me have you then I don’t want you anymore. I want you when you don’t want me and I need you when you won’t help me. It is the biting and the pain of this cold distance that I know that somehow is familiar and is the feeling that I need to give me the illusion of safety. If I were truly safe I’d be exposed and not safe at all. Get away by coming closer and come closer by getting away. I am exposed most when I hide and hidden when I try to be who I think I am.<\/p>\n Feeling alone, again, abandoned as always, alone, again. I am everyone and everyone is me. Who am I again? Oh yea, that person, and that person, and what this person, and this person, want. Where does that leave me when I am alone? Who am I then? Do I cease to exist if I am not in the company of someone off of whom I can bounce my existence and from whom all of my validation must come?<\/p>\n What is wrong with the world? Why can’t they see my pain? Don’t they know how incredibly much I hurt? Can’t they see that I need them to hold some of this pain for me, validate it, and take it away; for my soul runneth over with agony? Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault. I didn’t do this to me. I didn’t choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain and anger and grief as is an infant whose mother is angry with him or her. What do I do with that angry face? It is not acceptance, it is rejecting me…..but I NEED it…..what am I to do? I don’t know what to do so I put it beside me. Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there….and it builds over the course of a lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don’t feel it at all. I need to get what I need. I’ll die if I don’t. I’ll just die. I am dying to live and in my attempts to live I die.<\/p>\n And so I have remained trapped inside this isolated and insulated place of youth stunted in my emotional growth. I am a victim. It is not my fault. I hurt and I hurt and I hurt. Why don’t you care? Why don’t you care? Make it go away. Make it stop, just love me from over there. Love me, but don’t you dare really care. It would hurt too much if you were to care. I wouldn’t understand who you were caring for or about because I don’t know who I am. I hate who I am and what I am. I hate whoever the hell I am. I have come to hate what it is that I might be, or sometimes am. I don’t like the voided vacuum within which I feel like my being exists under a glass bubble. So close, yet so far away from others am I. So close, yet so far away, from whoever I am, am I. Who are you trying to care about? What does that mean, that you want to care about me? It would mean that I needed you to care. I don’t need you to care but I am dying for you to care. Still, care from over there and don’t act like I need you.<\/p>\n Rescue me, by leaving me alone…it’ll kill me. Leave me alone but rescue me. I need you to rescue me if I am to live. I am not alive. I am dead. I am dead when I try to be alive. I am alive when I act like I’m so dead I can’t feel anything. There is such a sharp feel to the pain of numbness. Feeling the absence of myself like this. Where do the feelings go? Where does all of that pain hide? I dissociate from all that hurts. I give it to others. It is their fault, and their problem, not mine. Help me, while you leave me alone. Leave me alone while you help me. NOW!<\/p>\n I am the center of the universe. Yes I am. I am it and it is me. I will act this way too, if I feel like it. No, you can’t win. I will win. I’ll get you coming and I’ll get you going and there will be no way that you can win. I must always win. I need to control because I feel so helplessly out of control, but you can’t know that. You can’t know that okay, you don’t know that about me. I don’t know that about me. I don’t know you and cause I don’t know me. You can’t know me either. No, I won’t let you in to a place that I have yet to gain access to. No, me first.<\/p>\n Who am I? I thought I knew just a minute ago. Then, suddenly nothing felt familiar anymore. Nothing felt okay anymore: nothing felt SAFE anymore – nothing felt as it had before. Why does this happen and what does it mean? What do you mean you don’t know? You are supposed to know. I expect you to know. And if I expect it then I have a right to demand it from you. Don’t go asking me for anything, NO, it depends how I feel, and what I believe in any given moment…you just never can know cause I never know what I’ll do or say or feel. Every moment changes and shifts from one to the next. What is real, what is truth, whether or not I think I can take care of myself or what I feel, or right or wrong, from minute to minute changes, so I really just don’t know. I don’t care to know. Don’t bother me about it. Leave me alone, just stay here. And be quiet while you talk to me. Talk to me silently. Words can hurt. Don’t be too quiet in your silence though, because silence can kill a soul. I know, it killed mine over and over again. Dead, time and time again, risen hopes, only to fall and to die, unanswered, arms outstretched, never reached for, never grasped, arms that hung outstretched while a little girl screamed in terror and fear and had more need than any infant could possibly bear to hold. Arms…that had to hold themselves, suspended in mid air, left alone, ignored. Arms that would take another 36 years to ever dare to reach out again. So hold me, and rock me — rock me to stillness — gently okay, just don’t touch me really, you know?<\/p>\n Truth, you want to talk truth? Whose truth, yours or mine? Is there a truth between? No, my truth is truth. Your idea of truth is a lie. I don’t lie. If I don’t lie and our truths aren’t the same that makes you a liar. Does so….just does. If I am right then you are wrong. Yes you are. No I’m not. If I am good then you are bad if you don’t agree with me and or see things my way. My way isn’t just right; it is the only way. What matters is what I want and need. That’s my truth. And my truth is the truth. Don’t you even try to lie to me, don’t…<\/p>\n I know things but they seem fleeting. What is real and important one minute is fragile and or gone and or misunderstood-misperceived and misinterpreted by me the next minute. I don’t know why? You were here a minute ago and it mattered. But then you left. While you were gone for three minutes and fifty-four seconds (clock time — forever in my own sense of the reality of time) I forgot that you mattered to me and now I find it incredibly impossible to believe that you could love me and leave me just like that for three minutes and fifty-four seconds…to wait and to suffer like that, alone, isolated and afraid. Don’t ever do that again. Promise me! Do you have any idea what you put me through? My parents left me like that. It’s not alright for you to just be you and not be me — while I’m being you too. I know things seem fleeting. Things keep changing. I can’t hold anymore than I am whether I am holding anything or not.<\/p>\n You live in a “big picture.” Life, so I am told unfolds in some “big picture” of reality. I live in millions of little pictures. Millions of pieces of reality. Snap shots from the whole, fragmented seconds of minutes that seem to encompass hours. I can’t tell what is going on around me like you do. No, it does not make sense to me. Part of this picture lined up with part of that one…what am I supposed to see? What can I know from these mixed up jigsaw puzzle messages? I get part of it. I don’t understand the rest. First you seem to make sense, and then you don’t so I get angry and frustrated. In one part of the picture I care about you but in another part of the picture I remember out of context when you said this or that and then I can’t trust you anymore, or not until the next moment when two picture pieces fit briefly together. This is my experience. So one minute I want you close, from a distance and the next minute I want you distantly-close. This is what is going on inside of me. I don’t want to hurt you like I do I just don’t know how to make sense of all of these jumbled messages and fragmented pictures that bombard my mind constantly with images and thoughts that do not fit together, not now, not ever, hardly ever anyway. If memories are pictures of the way things were (or the way things are?)then my memories, like strewn screams, echo to a voided-abyss in a cavernous canyon. Imagine all of that sound overlapping itself. Could you hear me then, any better than I can hear you now?<\/p>\n A.J. Mahari recovered from BPD and has many articles like this at<\/p>\n