So often the demand of the person with Borderline Personality Disorder is – RESCUE ME! Borderlines are seeking the rescue in the here and now that they required in the past. More often than not borderlines seeking to be rescued will manipulate through acting out behavior or through recapitulating past traumatic events, in the here and now. This is a dissociative phenomenon.<\/p>\n

In many ways borderlines are very intelligent and capable people – competent. Then suddenly, they are seemingly helpless and in need of rescue. Often the understanding of what is behind the differences in presentation is as much a mystery to the borderline as it is to those around him\/her.<\/p>\n

Manipulating to be rescued speaks also to the relational style of those with BPD. They will relate like “top dog” one minute and like a total “under dog” the next. There is little to no in between.<\/p>\n

The borderline world is made up of polar opposites, of the black and the white. Therefore the borderline is either better than you, stronger than you, above you, or he\/she is less than you, weaker than you, beneath you, in his\/her perceptions.<\/p>\n

The inherent struggle for an autonomy that terrifies the borderline (subconsciously they often become their own worst enemies–their own abusers once removed from their actual past abusers –therefore they do not trust their own autonomy and personal power any more than that of their abusers) sees many a borderline attempt to take personal responsibility only to turn on a dime, dump it and ask someone else to take it, hold it and deal with it. This is part of seeking to be rescued not only from the past but also from themselves. Add to this that most borderlines (in the early stages of recovery) do not know who they are. This is another scary part of why they are so willing to abdicate to you or anyone else that will take control. But, the second you take control the borderline will balk at that and attempt to win control back. If they get it back they’ll hate that too and throw it back at you.<\/p>\n

Borderlines seek to be rescued because emotionally they are still very young. They may intellectually have the where-with-all of an adult but not emotionally.<\/p>\n

A big part of shirking one’s own personal responsibility and “collapsing” to be rescued is motivated by the borderline’s inability to hold (deal with and cope with) his\/her own feelings, and emotions. Feelings and emotions often give rise to a panic that leaves a borderline feeling very unsafe and unsure and increases his\/her overall need to be taken care of.<\/p>\n

A borderline will only crave to be rescued until you are seen to pass the rescuing test. Once you commit yourself to engaging this aspect of borderline drama you will find that what you are met with is anger or rage at the prospect that somehow you know better than the borderline does.<\/p>\n

In the arena of a borderline seeking to be rescued anyone else in that person’s life will be walking ever so gently on the most maddening eggshells at this point.<\/p>\n

If one continues to be manipulated into providing rescue for a borderline not only will that person be confused, hurt and no doubt angry (sooner or later) but the borderline once again gets to side step what is most needed in order to attain some recovery…..the accepting of personal responsibility.<\/p>\n

Easy for me to say right now…. not easy for a borderline to read but if you have a borderline in your life the best thing you can do (in the long run) for both yourself and your borderline is NOT engage in any rescuing activity\/behavior. This too, of course will be met with rage. You will get rage no matter what you do until the borderline learns to feel what hurts so badly.<\/p>\n

If you are borderline and you don’t know how to be alone, or how to feel your own feelings or meet your own needs you are likely engaging somewhere in your life in demanding rescue from others. Clearly, you need to know that this behavior will almost always result in the alienation of that person from you. (sooner or later). Seeking to be rescued is not the answer. You do not need rescue anymore. If you are borderline, what you need is to find yourself and to take care of yourself by yourself.<\/p>\n

If you are Borderline and you seek rescue you are not being honest with yourself or with anyone else. Lack of honesty is another thing that drives people away.<\/p>\n

A NON BORDERLINE\u2019S – QUEST TO UNDERSTAND BORDERLINES<\/h2>\n

1.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0When a Borderline wakes up in the morning, do they decide they want to be cruel that day or does it just “happen” like a switch coming on?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Interesting question. My answer would be yes, and no. Yes because, in essence all of our behaviour is chosen, but no in the sense that most borderlines (until they reach a certain point of healing – being able to take personal responsibility) truly have no clue emotionally that they are indeed making such choices. Borderlines, when cruel, are usually triggered and experiencing some level or measure of dissociation – thus they heap into a moment with their SO’s for ie, something that has nothing to do with what is truly unfolding in the reality of your shared present reality.<\/p>\n

2.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Do Borderlines enjoy making us unhappy? Are they jealous of us when they see us happy? <\/strong><\/p>\n

I don’t think so. I know when I was borderline, way back, before I was very aware of others or of my own behaviour and before I learned to take personal responsibility that I really didn’t care how others felt most of the time — unless I “needed” them. I think most around borderlines are experiencing the angst and agony that is very real for those with this personality disorder. They cannot comprehend peace or working together. In borderline reality if you are right they have to be wrong and if they think you think they are wrong they feel threatened and when they feel threatened (or vulnerable) all the defense mechanisms get turned up to full steam ahead. I think most borderlines care that they make others unhappy but like a small child who just needs and needs and needs and wants and wants and wants – emotionally they just can’t put you ahead of them and so much of the time with borderlines they act as if they are the centre of the universe – narcissistic because if they aren’t the centre they feel invisible which equals powerless and vulnerable.<\/p>\n

Many borderlines aren’t jealous. Some may be. Personally, I wasn’t so much jealous as just lost. And when I was borderline and lost I felt vulnerable, it was a trigger and I would feel “less than” and then feel compelled to set out to make the other person feel “less than” so that I could overcompensate for my lack of worth, esteem and competence (emotionally). For a long time too, I really just didn’t understand happy, so happy would piss me off. I think it was feeling unable to get to happy in the way I would see others and or perceive that others were that most elicited chaotic responses from me in their happy and peaceful times. It was like a fear of the “calm before the storm”. I was always waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. When I’d get tired of waiting I would pull it down on my head so to speak. So my interruptions of others’ happiness was more about me and not so much a jealousy as my own inability to cope. I used to feel “less-than” a happy person.<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Do Borderlines know they are different from other people? If they do, do they care? <\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh yes, most do know this and most care VERY much. In fact it is this caring that often, sadly, drives them to more outrageous alienating and distancing and or push\/pulling behaviour. With the stigma attached to BPD in both the world in general and the mental health profession there is a profound sense of being different and that that different is NOT okay and when a borderline feels “not okay” they again fight to get to the other extreme of all okay. But, to be all okay, they mistakenly believe (out of a lack of emotional maturity) that for them to be okay you can’t be okay.(more black and white stuff).<\/p>\n

4.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What are some warning signs to detect when a Borderline is in a “bad” mood? <\/strong><\/p>\n

This can vary with each individual borderline I would imagine. For many it is withdrawal, distancing, or push\/pull (a combination of distancing and pulling behaviours). For others it may be rages or abusive criticism. Don’t forget that every bad mood that a borderline has they don’t have just because they have a personality disorder. If I were you I’d be searching to identify if there is anything (in\/from your borderline) that is between a good mood and a bad mood. If not, that is a more telling thing than which mood they are in when. If there is no combination ever of the two it is an indication of how polarized their thinking is.<\/p>\n

5.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Why can’t a Borderline ever say they are sorry? Is it because they don’t think that they have done anything wrong?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well, here, it’s important to remember not to generalize too much. When I was borderline it seemed I spent half of my life saying I was sorry. I meant it too but was for years unable to change my behaviour so I just kept saying sorry. The issues here are conscience, ability to take personal responsibility and emotional maturity — all of which are severely handicapped when one has BPD until one works through these issues. There are also those out there, borderline or not, who for whatever reason think that to apologize is weak. Some apologize and mean it. Others never do and don’t care and then other borderlines likely care, and know they’ve done wrong but would feel too vulnerable to say they are sorry — it hinges upon self-trust (or lack thereof)too as to whether or not they can trust someone else with this aspect of their emotional vulnerability or not.<\/p>\n

Don’t forget though, 100 apologies, even heart-felt for a behaviour or abuse that continues to go on may be an indication that the person in relationship to the borderline is not taking care of him\/herself.<\/p>\n

6.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 How can Borderlines be so mean to those closest to them and nice to others around them? <\/strong><\/p>\n

Again, often it has to do with triggers. If they have unfinished business with parents – abuse issues etc etc these will continue to play out in any SO relationship until they heal them and get themselves emotionally under control. For many they are putting out what they received as children. I know in my case my parents were pretty bloody mean. A lot of how I ended up treating people in my borderline years was rooted in how I experienced people in my childhood and also in the absence of any healthy relationships.<\/p>\n

Borderlines often feel out of control, whether they realize it or not. So they seek to control their environment and or others in it in order to feel in control. Borderlines, until they develop a sense of self, live essentially through others. So if your borderline is living through you and feels out of control, he will try to control you as a way of trying to ease\/soothe what ails him\/her.<\/p>\n

7.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What would make a Borderline want to get help?<\/strong><\/p>\n

In my experience it was pain. It was realizing that I just hurt too much and that I needed to know why and I wanted to try to ease my pain, soothe it and or heal it. Also, I was not okay with hurting people. I hurt many people in my life but I always DID care. I had a strong conscience and once I learned how abusive I was — well — even though I didn’t know who I was (at that point) I did know this was NOT THE REAL ME – it was me recycling out my past. I had a burning desire to find the real me and to be able to be that person.<\/p>\n

I think the motivation for each borderline is highly individual for the most part but that there would be a commonality in terms of wanting the pain to stop and of wanting to be able to have healthy relationships\/friendships that work.<\/p>\n

You cannot manipulate or force or cajole a borderline to get help though. They clearly have to want it themselves.<\/p>\n

8.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Sometimes when I am “attacked” by my Borderline husband I start to cry. What is the best way to react to him?<\/strong><\/p>\n

What does he do when you cry? If this escalates his behaviour you may want to do something else for yourself. If he doesn’t react to your crying by behaving more dramatically and you want to cry – cry. You may benefit from looking at why you are crying, what hurts and what you can do about it. You need to take care of yourself and protect yourself emotionally (if not physically as well). It depends upon your boundaries. Personally, if I were in a relationship with a borderline (which by the way I just wouldn’t do now, no matter what) I would draw a line. I would let them know that certain behaviour will not be tolerated and that if it happens I’m going to do, a, b, c etc……and stick to it and do it. For example if he does whatever it is that he does that leaves you crying, you might say, if you do _____________ I will not talk to you for 2 hours. If you do ____________ I will leave the house for 1 hour. If you do ___________ I will ________________. The point of these boundaries is two-fold. Firstly, they are for your protection and well-being. Secondly, borderlines, who often have no boundaries of their own, can benefit from yours and from you clearly imposing limits on what you will and won’t take. (or put up with from them or engage in with them).<\/p>\n

9.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0What is the longest period of time that you went being nice to others around you? Days, weeks? <\/strong><\/p>\n

That’s hard to say. Much of my life I was not close to anyone. In that time however, I did many things in which I interacted with people, just not intimately. I coached kids in sports and things like that and was able to maintain a competent mature and situationally-appropriate mood. I was nice. I was a very nice person to most people most of the time. But in terms of primary relationships or even friendships I was likely lucky to get through only days until I had some issue, or trigger come up and anger and feelings of abandonment etc.<\/p>\n

Remember part of the BPD diagnosis means clearly that borderlines are not emotionally mature enough – don’t have strong enough ego boundaries and sense of self to relate healthily. That’s just reality. So to expect more than your borderline can do now (without concerted effort in therapy) is unrealistic.<\/p>\n

10.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I was just “attacked” by my husband, who I know will not apologize for being so cruel. This builds up so much resentment because I know I will be the one to make up to him. The dog licking the hand that beats it syndrome. What is the best way for me to better handle an “attack”? <\/strong><\/p>\n

Stop pandering. Stop taking responsibility for what is his and for what he does. Set boundaries in place. Refuse to sit there and be attacked anymore. Take leave. Go to a separate room and lock the door. Leave the house. Do not continue to feed his “stuff” with attention of any kind. If, under these circumstances you think he may get violent than really think about whether or not you should be with him right now at all. You have rights. You have a right to space and a right to peace. You have a right to feel what you feel and believe what you believe. You have the right to NOT BE ATTACKED. You have to right to expect him to make right his wrongs (instead of you doing it). Take care of yourself. Be prepared to put yourself, your health, your safety and your sanity ahead of him and your relationship. You cannot control what he thinks feels or what he choose to do but you can control what you do, what you say, what you put up and what you don’t.<\/p>\n

11.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Do Borderlines really understand “Love” Do they love us? Do they love themselves?”? <\/strong><\/p>\n

No. Anyone with BPD, who is without a consistent sense of their own identity and “self” – authentic self as opposed to “false-self”, cannot love themselves at all. They do not know themselves. And that absence of self is the root of so much of borderline pain. Since they cannot love themselves they cannot possibly love anyone else. It may sound simple, but actually this part is simple. It’s believing it that is so difficult for so many. No, borderlines do not love themselves. Healthy love, for self and for others is a rare thing these days. People, borderline, or not must work hard to learn how to love themselves and others. It takes both parties in any relationship doing that for it to have a healthy chance at health. Any less is just a fallacy and often a very painful dance of co-dependency.<\/p>\n

12.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Why doesn’t it matter to him when I tell him how much it hurts??” <\/strong><\/p>\n

Likely because your reality is not his. He probably has little to no idea what he is doing or how it affects you. He will likely begin to learn when you put boundaries in place and stop supporting his pathology at every turn. At this point he will have two choices, learn or lose you. I hope that you will ensure that he loses you before you lose yourself.<\/p>\n

I hope something I’ve said will be of assistance to you. I do want to point out here too though that what you’ve written just above is “it” in a nut-shell. YOU, do have to help yourself, take care of yourself and ask yourself why you have been (at least up till now) willing to put up with being hurt by the one that is “supposed” to love you? Love is not “supposed to hurt”. Love “should” not tear down. Love “should” build up.<\/p>\n

When I was borderline I had no clue. I thought that raging abuse was a legitimate way to show I cared. It was the only way I once knew how. Life has taught me otherwise. Each and every borderline must take personal responsibility to find their own identity from the inside out and to stop trying to meet all of their needs through living through and or manipulating others.<\/p>\n

TAKE CARE OF YOU — and ask yourself, what, what is it about this man that you so love? Is he tender? Is he sensitive? Is he an equal partner (emotionally)? Is he a good friend? Is he emotionally available? Is he working toward mutual goals in your relationship\/life?<\/p>\n

THE BLACK HOLE OF BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER<\/h2>\n

The black hole of BPD is that abyss in between love and hate – in between consistency and inconsistency. It is that aching, seemingly endless space of dark dingy determined drudgery. It is the piercing-gut-wrenching wind that puts out the flame of so much hope and so much love. It is the beginning of the end of so many relationship opportunities. It is the end of the beginning of all that is new as it begins to end yet again and again. It is the personification of abandonment. It is the darkness of distance and the loneliness of lacking love.<\/p>\n

The black hole of BPD is love sought and lost no matter what the cost. Love begged for and loved chased all in the name of trying to repair the damage of yesterday. It is the essence of the aching allure of love and the nurture that it holds out, precious promise of a chance to heal, a chance to grow, a chance to be re-parented and a chance to learn what you missed back then.<\/p>\n

The black hole of BPD is the absence of self. It is the emptiness that echoes endlessly in the cavernous corners of a sobbing soul. It is pain. It is agony. It is stolen youth. It is youth robbed of innocence. This black hole of BPD takes all-comers. It is not discriminating. Whether you have BPD or know someone who does the black hole will gladly open up for you. It will swallow you whole if you let it. Don’t let it.<\/p>\n

If you don’t have BPD but care about someone who does have it: Know the difference between love and hate. Know the difference between love and abuse. Know the difference between those with boundaries and respect and those without both. Know that you deserve more than to be drawn deeply into the bottomless pit of someone else’s needs and wants. Know that you do not have to be a willing hostage. Know that you can only be held captive as long as you participate in your own abduction. Don’t confuse taking with giving. Do not think that it is appropriate for an adult to be a child. Do not excuse the rage. Do not accept the anger. Do not allow the acting-out. Insist that there be peace, calm, reason and responsibility. Do not confuse love with need.<\/p>\n

The black hole of BPD is wide and deep. It is weak and it is strong. It is depression personified. It is the pit within which combustion can fuel a fire of any size. It is the base of the flame, the match and the kindling. It is mutiny. It is a calm breeze that suddenly become a hurricane. It is a gentle rain that throws itself into a monsoon. It is a construction zone complete with holes in the road in the absence of caution signs. It is a universe onto itself. A life in parallel to the rest of the world. A world within a world. A painful place to be. A nightmare. Dark.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

IT HELPS TO UNDERSTAND Being in a marriage\/relationship with a person who has Borderline Personality Disorder will test your line of thinking, your own ability to cope and your beliefs. For many BP\u2019s, life during their growing years were very difficult, for some it was even down right repulsive. During our development years we are…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kadence_starter_templates_imported_post":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"default","_kad_post_title":"default","_kad_post_layout":"default","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"default","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"default","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1076","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n